Page 88 of Man Cuffed
Am I in here? Of course I’m fucking in here. I’m always in here.
“You know what,” I say. “That’s great, Meg.” At this point I’m not really in control of what I’m saying. I’m just reacting. I see flashes in my head of Meg fucking good ol’ Danny Boy. Because she will. And she’ll love it. She’ll moan in a way I haven’t heard before. And what can I offer her really? I’m a simple, boring cop. I just got a promotion which will probably mean more hours, not less. I can’t offer her a vacation home or trips abroad. With me, she’ll just get everyday life. Maybe an occasional splurge for chili dogs.
Pathetic.
This is why I don’t do relationships. They rip your heart out. Or at least they rip my heart out. What was left of it anyway.
The blackness that is sweeping over me is intense and I can’t fight it. “Chicago is gonna be great for you, isn’t it? But it’s also probably a natural breaking point for us.”
Meg blinks. “Breaking point,” she repeats slowly.
“Yeah.” We haven’t talked about her time away. In my head I’d been assuming we’d pick up again when she came back. But why did I even think that? This is already the longest I’ve spent with anyone.
“What if I’m not looking for a breaking point?” she asks in a voice that’s suddenly high and strained.
“Well I am,” I grunt. “We had a deal. And the wedding is over.”
“Adeal,” she hisses. “We are so far past that deal, Mac. You know it’s true.”
I shrug uncomfortably. I do know that. But it just doesn’t matter. I never should have put myself in this position. “We’re fuck buddies, right? I told you that’s all I do.” Even if—for a minute there—I might have been fooling myself into thinking we could have more.
A silence descends on us. Meg stares at her wine glass, like she’s expecting it to do something interesting. And I expect her to start crying. To start yelling at me in hysterics.
Bring it on, Meg. I’m made of steel. Whatever you want to say, I can take.
But she doesn’t react the way I expect. Instead, what she says is real quiet. And maybe that’s worse. “It scares you that much?” she whispers. “Danny fromDowntown Blueshas to pretend to kiss me and push me down on a bed. Fifteen seconds of airtime, tops. It’s acting, Mac. Not cheating.”
“That’s not it,” I lie. And then I break out in a sweat, because I’m the worst actor in the world.
“You are so full of shit,” she whispers. “I’m worth more than this, Macklin Maguire. I am. And maybe I should’ve listened to you when you said you didn’t want a relationship. I get it. You like living in misery. Being the big strong hero, the man on the white horse. Only you know what? I don’t need you to rescue me. I’m fine on my own. In fact, I’m terrific. And what we have, what wehadwas great. If you don’t want me, that’s fine. I’m outta here.”
She pushes her chair back very gracefully. Then she stands up, snatches her purse off the sofa, and heads for the door. I sit stock-still. Coiled and ready for a fight. With whom, though, I don’t know.
“Maybe, Mac, the person you should try to rescue is yourself.” That’s the last thing she says before walking out.
She doesn’t bother slamming the door.
She just leaves it wide open.
Maybe that’s worse.
She leaves without a sound, as if she doesn’t care enough to even let me hear her walk away.
27A Two and a Half Hour Drive
Meg
I am numb. Completely. I don’t feel anything.
And this worries me.
Usually, I’m all about feelings. Emoting. Expressing. It’s what drew me to acting. But this is different. This is real life, and if I had to say I feel anything, I’d say I feel pain.
I look back on my time with Mac and maybe it was all mapped out in front of me, and I just refused to see it. How I had to pull him into the relationship. Convince him to date me. Force him to open up.
Love shouldn’t be like that. Healthy, balanced love shouldn’t be like that. Love should be the way that my sister Sadie and her husband Liam have: effortless. Liam loves her with total surrender. And that’s what I want. That’s what I deserve.
I’ve got my car loaded. Chicago is just a two and a half hour drive, and couldn’t come at a better time. What I need right now is complete and utter distance from Mac, and my apartment, and the reminders of all the things I thought I could have with him.
