Page 95 of Man Cuffed
The screen is black, and then I get a nice big close up of Lance’s armpit hair.
“Why are you in bed!” I scream. I meant to just say it, but hey, sometimes the vocal volume goes up when you’re drinking alone.
“Cuz I’m in fucking bed you fucking moron!” he says.
“Hey. Hey, Lance. Hey,” I say.
“Whhaaaaaaaat?” He’s annoyed. I can tell.
“I want you to look up thatCosmoquiz thingamabob.”
“Now?”
“Yes, NOW!” Oops. That was loud too.
“You do realize it’s 3:30 in the morning?”
I contemplate that. Huh. No wonder it’s so dark. “Dude. This is important. I need theCosmo.”
“Fine,” Lance grumbles.
I watch him stumble out of the bed and get a quick flash of Lance in a thong. Arrrggghhh! It burns. IT BURNS!
Then the phone jerks a bit as he carries me, apparently, to his kitchen.
“Look,” he says. “I’m pulling up theCosmoquestionnaire. Which one do you want? How Much Of An Asshole Am I For Waking Up My Friend? Or Love Me, Love Me Not?”
“That second one,” I say. And then, in case he’s wondering, “I love you, man.”
“I love you too,” he says. “Now drink some fucking coffee.”
I nod. Excessively. And then I make the way to the coffee pot and shove in a pod and hit the button a few times. It keeps dodging out of my way. Little bugger is hard to catch but finally I do. There. The coffee gurgles.
“Okay. Hit me!” I say, and I pat my chest for emphasis.
“First you have to put on some clothes.”
I look down surprised to hear this suggestion and then realize Lance is observant. I’m 100% buck naked. Huh. “You ask me the questions, and I’ll get drunk.” I pause. “I mean dressed.”
He starts asking me the questions. I’m going to ace this test. “How often do you think about her? Once a week? Once a day? Once an hour?”
“What about once a minute?”
He scribbles something down on a pad of paper and keeps asking questions. I flop down on the couch when we reach question three. I already know how this ends. I knew it the first time I took the quiz, but I fudged my answers.
This time, I’m totally 100% honest.
“Okay dude. You ready to hear the result?” Lance asks me when we’re done. “You got a lotta points. Hang on. I’m still adding them up. Carry the two… and then carry the four…” He scribbles madly.
“STOP!” I yell. “Don’t add them up.” I don’t want to hear it.
Deep down, though, I already know.
AndCosmoknows.
“Then why did you wake me up?” Lance grumbles.
“Because I’m a goddamned idiot. I’m afraid it’s a permanent condition.”
