Page 12 of Lies and Lullabies
“Yeah,” she agreed. Then she stared at me, and we endured our only awkward silence of the entire summer.
“What?” I finally whispered.
Her gaze became shifty. “Actually, I have the weirdest favor to ask.” She cleared her throat, and then began speaking rapidly. “You can totally say no. I won’t be even a little bit offended. Actually, I feel bad asking, because I know you were staying away from women as, like, a personal challenge. And you might decide to ask your ex to take you back…”
Even with that clue, I had no idea what she was about to say.
“…and you may not be attracted to me at all. But since you’re leaving anyway, I thought I’d ask, so here goes. I wondered if you would…” She lost some of her nerve, and asked the rest of the question to her shoes. “…make love to me? Just as a favor. Because I’ve read that after a—” She cleared her throat. “Well, to try it again, you’re supposed to be with someone who makes you feel really safe.”
To say that her request blew my mind was a serious understatement. I was so startled that I had to replay her words in my head just to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood.
Kira wanted to have sex with me?
Before I could answer, a new shower of mortified words began to rush out. “I’m sorry. This is totally embarrassing,” she gasped. “That’s why I waited this long to ask you. And you haven’t ever tried… But that’s part of the reason I asked, honestly. I trust you. You haven’t spent the summer trying to get into my pants. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Kira…”
“God, you must think I’m insane.”
“Kira…”
“I’msosorry.”
“Kira,” I repeated, my mind reeling. “Stop apologizing.”
“Okay. I’m going to go now.” She bolted toward the door.
“Wait!” I lunged, catching her hand. “Come here,” I choked out. She was still leaning toward the door, so I stepped in front of her and wrapped her into a hug. “You can be sure that I wanted to.”
“What?” she asked against my shoulder.
“I wanted to get you out of your clothes. But I didn’t try.”
“Why?”
“Because I was using self-control for the first time in my whole damned life.” And after last night’s revelation, I was ridiculously glad. Any other time in my life, I would have tried to get her naked right away. But I hadn’t done that, and by happenstance, I’d helped an amazing person feel a little bit better.
“So you won’t do it?” Her voice cracked. “I should never have asked. I just made everything weird, didn’t I?”
I stood very still, wracked by indecision. And—let’s face it—lust. Merely holding her against me was making me crazy. It was all too easy to picture myself removing Kira’s clothes item by item. And then laying her down on the bed—
Jesus. Too tempting by half. But I’d spent the whole summer trying not to think with my dick, and I didn’t want to start now.
I sighed. “I don’t know, sweetness. You might regret it. Your high school guy is coming back from the army. He should be your safe person.”
She pulled out of my embrace. “You’d think. But I haven’t seen him in two years, so it’s not business as usual. And I’m afraid he’s going to come back with his own set of issues. All of the guys returning from the Middle East do. And then if Ialsohave issues…” She swallowed. “Before I potentially get into that position with him, I want to know if it’s something I can actually do. I’ve thought about all of this. So many times. And you and I… It’s just soeasybetween us. That’s how I got this crazy idea in the first place.”
“It’s not crazy,” I whispered, reaching for her again. God knows I’d indulged in the fantasy a few times already. I’d always felt vaguely guilty afterwards.
She cleared her throat. “It was wrong of me, though, to ask you to stomach it. Maybe touching someone who’s been…” She shuddered. “I mean, I went to the hospital… He wore a condom. They got no DNA. I got tested, too. But it was an icky thing to ask you to do.”
“Hey.” My gut gave a twist, and I reached up to take her face in my hands. “That isnottrue.” I kissed her forehead. “You are dead sexy. And I practically had to duct tape my hands together all summer to stop myself from showing you how true that is.”
Her eyes were sad when she looked up at me. “I wish I believed you.”
“Hell.” My pulse already felt thready, and my head spun with uncertainty. “Kira, are yousureyou’re ready to try? Because if you’re not… It won’t be fun for you.” And it wouldn’t be fun for me, either. No matter that I’d spent the summer staring at those long, tanned legs. If she cried in my bed, I would feel terrible.
Her gaze was level. “Everybody is different. But it’s been almost a year. And sometimes when I can hear your guitar at night, I can’t sleep.”
