Page 45 of Lies and Lullabies
“I’m sorry, you know,” I whispered. “I’m sorry to give you such a shock today.”
He didn’t meet my eyes. “I… I know you’re a good person, Kira. But it’s hard to understand why you did it.”
“I know I should have told you as soon as I figured out who you were. But the more time that passed, the harder it got. I knew I was going to have to deal with it eventually. When you’re holding a newborn baby in your arms, you feel like you should try to control every moment of her life. But every day Vivi gets a little sharper. I knew she deserved the truth, too.”
“Yeah, okay.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest. And I really shouldn’t have been admiring the way his muscles bulged. “But I could have helped. It kills me to think that you didn’t believe that.”
“That wasn’t why I didn’t call.” I put a hand over his on the table. “I never thought you wouldn’t help. I didn’t want toaskyou for your help. There’s a big difference.”
“Yeah. Fine. But I’m here now, and even though you didn’t ask me, I’m offering. Tell me what I can do. What do you need?”
“I just need…” I swallowed hard. “I don’t want Vivi to feel tension between us. So the thing I need most is for you not to hate me over this.”
His eyes went soft. “I could never hate you, sweetness. I really need you to know that.”
“But this is all on me. Back then… I wasn’t careful. I used…” In my mind, I’d explained this to him a hundred times already, but it was so hard to admit how stupid I’d been.
Jonas only waved a hand, as if dismissing a small thing. “Birth control fails sometimes.”
“Has it ever… Do you have any other children?” I asked.
He coughed on the next sip of his beer. “Not that I know about.”
“Oh.” I laughed, hiding my eyes. “Too soon for that question?”
“Too soon.” A flicker of a smile crossed his face, and I couldn’t help but smile back. For a split second, the old warmth shone in his eyes, and my heart took a swoopy detour through my stomach. To break the spell, I looked out toward the Kreemy Kone, which was doing the Nest Lake version of a brisk business. The light spilling from the service window illuminated two couples, one at each picnic table.
Jonas reached over and squeezed my hand. Startled, I turned back to face him. He was the second man to do that tonight. Yet this was the first time I wished I didn’t have to let go. “Tell me what you’re thinking right now,” I said.
“I’m thinking that I have to head to Quebec City tomorrow for a music festival. But I’m coming to Boston in nine days to play a concert at the waterfront. And I’d really like you and Vivi to come to it.”
“Oh,” I said slowly. “A concert?” In just nine days? I thought I’d have a little longer to get my head on straight.
Jonas frowned. “I can see that you don’t love the idea. But it would be a favor to me. And if Vivi hates it, you can always bail after the first song.”
“Well…” I couldn’t expect Jonas to have any experience with preschoolers, and now I was going to sound like the mom that I’d become. “I don’t know if you can take a four-year-old to a rock concert. How late does it start?”
“That’s the lucky thing,” he said. “Because it’s outdoors, and the noise bleeds, everything starts earlier than usual. Seven, I think?”
“Um.” Could we really do that? Maybe if Vivi took a good nap first. “I’ll think about it.”
“I hope you will. You were right when you said I’d be busy for the next ten weeks. I’ve asked Ethan to try to find me a couple other dates when I have time off. He’s going to see if there are any gaps when I could fly to Boston. The tour finishes up in August, but I don’t want to wait that long to see you guys unless I have to.”
Whoa. That made it sound like Jonas was already set on being a part of Vivi’s life. That meant he’d turn up from time to time. Maybe at the kindergarten graduation. Or the third-grade Christmas concert. I pictured Jonas flying in for the weekend to take Vivi to the zoo, or whatever it was that part-time fathers did.
That meant years and years of my stomach turning somersaults every time he showed his face. Jonas knew—or he’d known at one time—how deeply I felt about him. We would have to brush that under the rug and behave as if I’d never thrown my heart at him. And as if he’d never stomped on it.
I was in for a good fifteen years or so of torture.
But hey—I should look on the bright side. Paying Vivi’s college tuition had just gotten easier.
“A penny for your thoughts,” Jonas said, fingering his beer.
“I’m just trying to picture it,” I said.
“Picture what? The concert?”
“The future.”
