Page 67 of Lies and Lullabies
I soon got an answer.Yeah. Still ongoing.
Nowthatwas a surprise. It was so unlike Adam to go out drinking with strangers. I tapped out a hasty reply.Who is this and what have you done with Adam?
Very funny. Are you OK?
Ugh. Not the question I wanted to answer. Fine,I lied.I didn’t throw my panties.
Smart, he replied quickly.I don’t trust him.
I flinched. It was all well and good for me to hold Jonas at arms’ length, because I knew that Jonas made me stupid. But if Adam didn’t like him, then maybe I should pay attention.
My brother sent one last message.Got to go. Guy I’ve been flirting with has brought me another beer.
Have fun, I replied.
He replied only with a smiley face.
I pocketed my phone and let my eyes adjust to the darkness. In the other bed, Vivi was sacked out on her tummy, dreaming of ponies and cupcakes, probably.
And what would I be dreaming of, exactly? I’d just shouted down the hottest musician in North America. I’d pushed away the only man with whom I’d ever had a transcendent sexual experience. Now I was supposed to go to sleep, even though my nerves were still jangling.
Standing beside the bed, I peeled off my clothes in silence. I picked up my bag and carried it into the bathroom for a better view of its contents. After closing the door and flipping on the light, I was confronted by my naked reflection in the mirror. Appraising my body was something I rarely did, but the mirror took up most of the wall, and there was no escaping it.
Really not bad, was my first reaction.
I was twenty-five years old, inhabiting a body which had given birth to a nearly eight-pound baby girl, but my waist was still slim, flaring to feminine hips. After nursing Vivi for a year, my breasts weren’t precisely the same shape as before. But my skin was smooth, and my curves stood out. I was still young, damn it. But for how much longer?
The girl in the mirror was frowning now.
With another sigh, I found my nightgown in my bag. It was new, actually. I usually slept in oversized T-shirts that I stole from my brother. But this morning, on the way back from the playground, I had dragged Vivi into a shop to purchase this nightgown.
Now I held the traitorous object up to the light. Black jersey, with flowers printed on it, the V-necked nightie wasn’t silky or particularly low cut. But it had black satin trim and spaghetti straps. And more to the point, I’d bought it because I’d thought there was some chance, however small, that Jonas would see it.
You hypocrite, Kira. Nicely done.
I had just given Jonas an earful for daring to kiss me. And yet I’d spent forty-two dollars to look sexy for him.
I yanked the fabric over my head then took one more look at the girl in the mirror, at the expanse of skin that never got touched by hands other than my own. The gown made a nice line of cleavage across breasts that had tightened in anticipation when Jonas had kissed me.
Guess what?Regret runs in two directions, genius. I could tell myself that Jonas didn’t really mean all the loving things he’d said to me tonight, and I might even be right about it. But there was no prize for being right, except for loneliness. I could hold Jonas off, and try to make him prove that he meant what he said. But how long was long enough? A month? Six?
And what if wewerea good match? When would he grow tired of trying to prove himself to me? On one of those future visits, when Jonas swung by to take Vivi to the zoo, he might someday say, “I’ve met someone.” How would that feel?
Horrible. That’s how.
I turned off the bathroom light and padded back through the bedroom. Then, before I could change my mind, I opened the door and tiptoed across the living room. I put my hand on the knob. For a millisecond, I worried that Jonas had been so fed up that he’d locked the door. But no. It clicked open, and I slipped inside, closing the door behind me.
The room was lit only by the clock on the bedside table, but I could see him lying on his side, facing the windows. “Jonas?” I whispered, trying not to startle him. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just panicked a little.”
He rolled onto his back. “I fucked up, Kira.”
“It’s okay,” I said quickly.
Jonas shook his head. “No, I mean five years ago.” He sat, propping himself against the cushioned headboard. I got an excellent view of his bare chest and tried not to stare. “Hey, come here, will you? Let me explain.”
I hesitated for a beat. But Jonas patted the vast expanse of empty bed beside him, so I climbed on top of the bedspread. As soon as I got near him, he tugged me closer, looping an arm around me, until we were sitting side by side. He kissed my temple just once, and quickly. “Thank you,” he whispered. “It’s easier for me to tell you all the stupid shit I’ve done if I don’t have to shout.”
“Like what?” I asked, squeezing my eyes shut to keep from staring at the lush geography of his abs. But there were other distracting sensations that came from being tucked against Jonas. He smelled like clean linens and man, and his skin gave off a delicious heat.
