Page 88 of Lies and Lullabies
“All right. I wish you wouldn’t go. Nobody else could do the job like you.”
Unless I was mistaken, Ethan seemed to relax a degree or two. “That’s good to hear.”
“I mean… Because you do so many things that aren’t really in the job description. It isn’t in your contract to give a fuck whether I ate lunch, you know? You always go the extra mile for me. I don’t know. Maybe it isn’t even fair to you. Maybe you should take the other job and just do the minimum. You’d still be doing more for those lucky shits than any other manager did.”
Ethan’s face fell. Then he banged his enormous head into the stucco behind him several times in a row.Thunk. Thunk, thunk. “Jojo, stop talking now.”
“What did I say?”
“You…” He made a noise of irritation. “Why do you think Idoall that extra stuff? It’s not like I misread my contract. I don’t think it says ‘Make homemade chili when Jonas is sad.’ You think I’m an idiot, or just an overachiever?”
“Neither,” I insisted. “But I also don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.”
“Sometimes you’re kind of an asshole.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“See, I don’t think you do! The reason I work out with you every morning and listen to you bitch is because we’refriends. I care about you. And the fact that you don’t understand that doesnotmake me happy. I don’t want to go work for some other dudes, Jonas. But if you really don’t give a shit about our friendship, I’ll do it.”
“I…” My neck got hot. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend.”
“That’s the thing, though. Youarea good friend. If it was me who suddenly had a lot of family complications, what would you do?”
“I’d help,” I whispered. I would, too. I’d flown down to Texas with Ethan when Ethan’s brother died in a trucking accident.
“That’s right. You would. But you never give yourself any credit for being a good guy. So you write off all the relationships you have, insisting that nobody actually gives a damn about you. You say that Nixon only needs you to write songs. You say that I’m only here for the paycheck. You let all your friends off the hook for everything. And it’s because you’re afraid to count on anyone.”
“I’m notafraid.”
Ethan just shook his head. “Call it what you will. And I’m not saying you didn’t come about this shit honestly. Watching your parents die would fuck anybody up. But what if you tried admitting that you need the people in your life? There are people who would love you back if you figured out how to count on them.”
“I take care of myself. I don’t need to count on people.”
“But youshould,” Ethan insisted. “Nobody is supposed to take care of himself all alone. It’s better with help.”
There was a flaw in this logic. “Who takes care of you, though?”
Ethan rubbed his head. “You guys do, in your own way. I’m part of the family, not just some employee. We jam together, and you let me muddle along on the guitar, like I’m not just your lackey.”
It was true, too. Ethan was one of our crew. Not just an employee. “I really don’t want someone else on my bus, E. Please don’t go.”
Ethan tipped his head to the side, a slow smile lighting his face. Then he leaned over and grabbed me around the shoulders, squeezing me into a tight hug.
I couldn’t draw a breath for a second there until he released me.
“See that, Jojo? That right there. A gay black man does not feel welcome everywhere. But on your bus I’m good.”
“Of course you are.”
Ethan raised his eyebrows in a knowing look. “You see that? You got to give yourself a little more credit, if you want other people to do the same.”
“Sure, okay,” I said to appease him.
“Now, go tell your girl the same thing. Tell her youneedher. Tell her it isn’t okay for her to shut you out. Sometimes your job is going to get in the fucking way, but you willnot give up.”
He made it sound so simple. “I do need her. I need her so bad. But she’s been alone foryearsbecause of me. And I don’t know why she’d forgive me for that.”
But Ethan wasn’t even listening. He was already dialing someone on his phone. “Ben? This thunderstorm looks bad. I can’t have all this equipment out in the lightning. And your boys are at risk. Call the venue and tell ’em how it’s gonna be.”
