Page 141 of The New Guy
Bess holds up her hands in submission. “Only because you’ve turned a peculiar shade of green, and I’m a little afraid of the consequences.”
I take a calming breath through my nose.
It’s not very calming. The loading dock is filling with guys dressed in athletic wear. No, it’sfull. And they’re all staring at me.
My pulse is racing, and I might pass out.
Coach Worthington claps his hands. “Okay, boys. Newgate wants to talk to all of you for a minute. Please give him your full attention. Afterward, it’s back to your respective dressing rooms, and the usual protocol.” He turns to me. “Okay, Newgate. Your meeting.”
The subtext is:get on with it, dumbass.
But I’m panicking inside. I take a step forward, and even though I rehearsed this in my head for two thousand miles, I’m not sure how to begin. “Uh, thank you for gathering around for a minute. There’s some things I need to say, and I won’t take up much of your time.”
They stare back at me.
“Usually, on the team, I keep to myself…”
“You?” Castro hoots. “Nah.”
That gets a chuckle, and I’m grateful to him for breaking the tension.
“Yeah, I know. Here we’ve got two of the best groups of guys in the league, right? And I’ve done a shitty job of getting to know most of you. I used to blame that on being the new guy. Honestly, it was just my favorite excuse. There’s another reason I don’t engage much. For years I’ve convinced myself that I wouldn’t be accepted by the team, or by management, if you all knew me better. If you knew I’m…”Breathe. “The only bisexual man I know of in professional hockey.”
After I choke the words out, I pause to take a look around the circle. I’ve built this moment up in my mind for years. It was this Rubicon I couldn’t ever cross.
Strangely enough, the world hasn’t ended yet. There’s no bolt of lightning. Nobody throws tomatoes, or vomits.
I don’t know what I was expecting. The players are just watching and waiting for me to continue. Their expressions are curious, but not even shocked, really.
“So…” I clear my throat. “Maybe you think that’s dumb. Maybe you’re right. But if I’ve been distant, I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t know how to talk about it. I didn’t try very hard, though. I convinced myself that what a team wanted most from me were game points, and to shut up about my personal life…”
Movement near the corridor catches my eye, and I glance over there. And my knees almost buckle.
It’s Gavin, leaning against the doorframe, hands jammed into his pockets, a grumpy expression on his perfect face.
I take another deep breath and force myself to continue. “But I’ve realized a few things. There’s areasonyou guys are two of the best teams in the league. It’s because you trust each other. Team play means more to you than connecting passes and accurate shots. It’s about loyalty and having each other’s backs. Maybe if I’d figured that out sooner, I wouldn’t have been traded so many times. I guess we’ll never know.” I chuckle awkwardly. “I’m bi, and I always have been. I’d like to be a better teammate, and for whatever reason, I needed to be open about that so I could stop worrying what you all might think.”
There is a brief, deep silence. I stand utterly still, and nearly stroke out.
But my new coach starts clapping. Hard. And a few others join in.
Half a second later it’s the whole room. I risk a glance at Castro, who’s standing more or less right in front of me. When we make eye contact, he gives me a manly chin lift. And then a grin.
Okay. Well. I hold up a hand to indicate that I’m not quite done, and they quiet down. “Thanks for that. Some of you might think I’m an idiot for worrying so much about this. But who knows? Maybe there’s something holding you back, too. Maybe you’re dyslexic, or depressed, or carrying around some burden I can’t see. Let me just tip you off that holding it in doesn’t make it go away. Please learn from my mistakes. The time and energy I’ve spent on my fear could have been put to better use…”
I risk another quick glance at Gavin. He’s red-faced and scowling.
“…Finding someone who will listen,” I add. “Last season I found that person. I met the greatest guy in the world. And for a little while, I was living my best life. But fear is a shitty teacher, so I messed that up pretty badly, too. I would like that guy to know that I am so sorry.” My voice cracks. “Maybe one day he’ll forgive me. Thank you.”
The minute I’m done speaking, Stoney applauds loudly, and the rest of my teammates—and my former teammates—do the same thing.
My face heats with embarrassment, but also relief.
After all that time, I did it. I told the truth, and it didn’t kill me.
Not yet, anyway. I’m swarmed with the sort of back pats and well-wishes that you’d crave if you were me. And I appreciate it. I really do. This moment was a long time coming. Even if it’s come too late.
When I glance at the doorway, Gavin has disappeared. I search the room for his clear gray eyes.
