Page 113 of Good as Gold
Zara shakes her head. “But Matteo needs to understand that time is precious. And I’m worried about him.”
“Why?” I can’t quite keep the panic out of my voice. “Is something wrong?”
“Not exactly,” she says slowly. “But I think he feels stuck, and it’s making him sad.”
Well, thatissad. If it’s true.
“He’s the oldest, and in the habit of taking on too much responsibility. You probably understand, right? That’s you, too.”
“That does sound familiar,” I admit.
Zara sits down on the fluffy rug and leans against the crib we just built. “I bet Matteo would like to be right here with you. And you want that too, right?”
I sink down beside her, leaning against the toy chest that Matteo sent me last week. “If I answer that question honestly, are you going to tell him?”
She claps a hand over her heart. “I solemnly swear to keep this conversation private. The girl code is hereby in force.”
“Nothing would make me happier,” I say quietly, “than to have Matteo involved. With me. With the baby. But I can’t tell him that.”
“Why not?” she asks, her brown eyes widening. “Doesn’t he deserve to hear it?”
“No way,” I insist. “When I asked him to be my sperm donor, I was very clear that I wasn’t expecting him to be my partner, or my co-parent. I can’t change the rules. You said it yourself—he’s a responsible oldest child. I’d be guilting him into a relationship he doesn’t want—with me or the baby, or both.”
“Unless it’s just the opposite. You might be making all his dreams come true.” She shrugs. “You could say, ‘Look, my feelings changed. I love you. I want you in my life. But if that’s not what you want, I’ll accept that. It’s your call.’”
She makes it sound so simple. But I know what would happen—Matteo would feel even more stuck than he already feels. He’d feel obligated to take care of Sean’s family and also mine.
Now that the baby registry has been picked clean, he’ll probably move on to the kid’s college fund. Out of obligation, though, more than love.
And that’s the real problem. I don’t want him here because he feels guilty. I want him here because he’s crazy about me.
“You’re not in the habit of asking for what you want,” Zara says. “Are you? I mean—you didn’t even want to make a baby registry!”
“Well, no. But it doesn’t matter. There’s no boyfriend registry. You can’t just ask for the partner of your dreams, in the model of your choice, delivered to your door.”
“But I’ve seen the way he looks at you,” Zara argues. “If there was a girlfriend registry, he’d pick you first.”
“That’s nice to hear,” I say quietly. “But attraction and commitment aren’t the same thing. Matteo has never needed me like Rory did. He’s just not built that way.”
“Whoa.” Zara picks up an Allen wrench off the rug and points it at me. “Donotcompare my brother to your ex.”
“Okay, sorry.”
“Rory is a boy who didn’t know how to grow up. Matteo is the opposite. He was the man of the house even when he was a boy. He’s never allowed himself to needanyone.”
I swallow hard, because that sounds like him. “But I still don’t know what to do. It seems wrong to burden him with my feelings. I don’t want to be another problem he has to solve. He’s already working so hard.”
“That’s exactly my point. He needs to do something for himself for a change.”
“ButZara.” I throw my arms out wide. “Isn’t it up tohimto decide what that is?”
“Okay. Probably.” Zara sighs and climbs to her feet. “I tried. Now I should go home and rescue my husband from playing tea party.”
“Um, could you help hoist me off the floor? Otherwise, I’m calling a tow truck.”
She laughs and extends a hand. “Yeah, been there.”
I’m back on my feet when my phone starts ringing. I scoop it off the toy chest and see LIVIA CALLING.
