Page 39 of The Secret Job: Into the Depths of Depravity
Instead of driving to my old office to continue the pack up of my business, I drive to the beach and take a walk. I don’t usually make this kind of time for me, but right now I need to sort out the thousand thoughts spinning around in my head before I begin to try and put them into words so I can speak to James about the job.
What can I even say to James? If I am completely honest with him, he’d forbid me from taking the job, end of story. But how can I lie to him? Do I even want the job? How could I livewith myself if I didn’t take the job? What kind of fool would look one million dollars in the eye and say no thanks?
I understand Sandy’s hesitation for telling me, this is an outside of the box kind of gig. I know she’s upset because she doesn’t know what she’s sending me into, I’d feel the same if it were Sophie. But I have this teeny tiny niggle at the back of my brain that says,How bad can it really be?At the end of the day, everyone at the club has been amazing, every job I’ve attended, I’ve felt safe—cared for even. Some I’ve even been sad to leave and say goodbye. Not once have I felt uncomfortable enough to use my safe word and leave early. Never. I’ve been at the club nearly a year and have only had 5 star experiences, most of them in the end I reckon I would have done for free or, had I been the rich one, I would have paid for the experiences they were so good.
It appeals to me—the unknown. I have always enjoyed the element of surprise. Why is this any different? Not once have I really known what I’m walking into. Just because Sandy doesn’t know what I’m walking into, does that even make any difference to me? I can’t imagine there being anything she hasn’t seen before. Maybe the secret is from me so I can’t prepare—not as if I would, I barely do that on the jobs I’ve chosen. The only research I’ve done is to ask Sophie. It does feel odd to not pick up the phone and speak to her straight away. I almost think that is the worst part of this job, keeping it an actual secret. It’s not as if it would bother Sophie, would it? Maybe they think she’d try and talk me out of it? Or… I don’t know. I can’t second guess what they are thinking, I don’t even know who they are or what they want to do with me.
Sandy said one of the brothers is intense. I’m guessing she means in a bad way. Maybe that was the only hint she could give me about the type of man he is and his family members. This just doesn’t reconcile with everything I’ve known and experienced at the Clarendon. Everyone has been easy, respectful,sticking to their own kinks and abiding by the rules set out by the Clarendon. Is the Clarendon breaking their own rules by allowing this job to go ahead? Does it count if it’s one of the owners who has requested the job?
So many different thoughts and questions bounce around in my brain with no outlet and no answers. I have to sort through them one by one before I go home and have to speak to James about the job. He will smell a rat the instant I say its secret and I don’t know what the job will involve. I have to decide for myself if it is something I want to do. I know I can do it, that isn’t the issue here. I can do whatever I put my mind to. It’s the warning aspect from Sandy that has me all up in arms and the fact I can’t talk this through logically with Sophie.
If I take this job, will I come out different? Probably yes. Why? Because of the type of extreme kinks they will ask of me. But can I use my safe word if they are too much? Yes. Can I leave at any point? Yes. I don’t understand what can be so bad about this job? Maybe they are unhinged. Maybe that’s it. If Sandy is in knots about it, this could likely be the problem. I’d be allowing myself into the hands of an unhinged man and his family. What could they want to do to me? Something painful, something extreme, something that could hurt me. Isn’t a lot of that what I’ve already done? And I’ve truly enjoyed everything that I’ve done so far. Maybe these jobs from the Red board are so far outside the realm of my experience or comprehension they will mess with my mind along with my body. Torture my mind maybe. Am I being silly? This seems silly. These are grown men with kinks, that’s what it comes down to. Just like everyone else at the Clarendon. The only difference between this secret job and all the other ones is that Sandy does not know what I am to expect. But I haven’t really known what to expect with any of my jobs so how much worse can it be for me?
The way I see it, there isn’t a great deal I wouldn’t do forone million dollars. I can’t rewire my brain to think otherwise. If I try and think of myself saying no to this opportunity, because that’s what it is—an opportunity, if I said no, I’d spend the foreseeable future kicking myself. I honestly don’t think I could live with myself for the sake of my family if I said no.
The question is, can I live with myself if what they do to me is unthinkable? Yes I can, because I can say no, use my safe word and at the worst, I can leave entirely.
Have I made my decision? Yes. I have. Now I need to decide how I’m going to broach the subject and my decision with James…
A few hours later after I collect the kids from school, we all go out for a family meal and then kick back to watch a family movie. A lovely family evening spending quality time together. No cooking or tidying for me tonight, just snuggles on the sofa until bedtime. After saying goodnight to the kids, James and I get ready for bed together and climb into bed. I have, by some miracle, managed to hold myself together and not give anything away, not a bad feat considering the turmoil going around in my head and the decision I want to make.
Sitting in bed, I don’t reach for my book, I turn to face James. This might be a bad time to talk about something like this, but I can’t wait a second longer. I turn and face James who is reading some sports update on his phone.
“Hey, can we talk? Something interesting happened at work today,” I ask James who turns to face me.
“What happened at work today?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.
“I was offered a secret job today.”
“A secret job?”
“Yeah an actual secret job. Sophie had mentionedsomething along the lines when I was first invited to be a playmate, it just hadn’t occurred to me that they’d ask me.”
“Wow, yeah. What is the job?”
I take in a deep breath, here’s my chance to be completely honest or give a few teeny tiny half-truths. I choose the latter and pray I don’t go to hell for it.
“It’s five days hidden away like last time, except this time it’s slightly different. There are no kink listings, they will be a surprise.”
“Right, so what job board colour are these jobs going to be from?” he asks, eyeing me closely.
“Red. However, I am going to be offered the more unusual ones but I don’t have to do them.”
“I thought all jobs had to be given approval before any playmate could take them?”
“That’s true. But Sandy said it’s one of the owners and his two sons.”
“Why not just list the kinks like they did for the Charity job?”
“I think I can guess why…” I say but quickly decide to distract him from that line of questioning. “Want to know how much money they’re offering me to take this job? You’ll never guess.”
“A hundred grand?”
“Good guess but try again.”
“Two hundred grand?”
“How about a payday to the tune of five hundred thousand dollars!”
