Page 35 of An Accidental Bride for the Duke
Was she doing this because she did not care? Or was the opposite true, and all she wanted was a reaction that would force him to speak to her finally and tell her what was going on? She could not say.
What she could say was that by the time today drew to an end, her marriage would either be back on track or be so far destroyed that there would be no coming back from it. Either way, today promised to be a most important one in the grand scheme of things.
And for that reason alone, Iris’ smile grew…
Philip drank alone.
The locale was a tavern several miles outside of his estate. One of those crossroad dwellings that travelers would stop at on their way north and south. Philip liked it for this reason, as it meant there would be few about who might recognize him.
He was in a corner booth, a tankard of ale before him, sipping it but not willing to guzzle because he wasn’t in the mood to drink. He felt sick with guilt. Anxious with regret. And shamed by his actions because he knew too well that all his woes were his own doing.
At least this last night has proven to me what I always suspected and now know for fact:. I am not cut out formarriage and was never meant to be. I was right to spurn it. Correct to loathe it. Resolved in my distaste for the concept as wedded bliss is for those who haven’t had the life I have.
He had been fooling himself, he now knew. These last few days, falling into a false sense of security and comfort because… because why?
Philip supposed it was because he thought he must. He still remembered finding Iris sickly in her bed. That urge to protect her and look out for her, even if he knew that he shouldn’t – the danger it would lead him to. But wasn’t that always the way? Philip’s desire to look out for those that couldn’t look out for themselves, and always he was punished for it.
There was another reason, too. The one he could not escape from.
Philip was attracted to Iris like he could never have imagined. They had acted on this attraction just the one time – and barely that. But it was seared in his mind’s eyes and every time he looked at her, he was drawn back to that moment and how much he wanted it again.
He wanted to go further. Beyond a mere kiss or two. Pushing past what he had offered her, teasing further, really testing how willing she was to behave… and what a bad girl like her needed to be shown that she would be better off to listen to him.
Does that make it worse? The true reason I have been treating her so well this past week? Not because I wanted to, but because I wanted what she might give me.
He took a small sip of his ale, wincing as the shame compounded.
That he and Iris had fought last night was his fault. A fight that could have been avoided if he’d just told her why he hated the villagers so much. But he was stubborn and secretive and he hated being reminded of his past. What was more, if he told her, it would have been yet another way for them to grow closer. And Philip wasn’t entirely sure he wanted that.
It was the way the villagers had treated his family that made Philip despise them. When he was seventeen, his mother had cheated on his father and had a child out of wedlock. Shame brought to his family that threatened to ruin them. And Philip, ever a stalwart of doing the right thing, hated her for it.
He did not trust marriage because of this. He did not trust women… or anybody. He saw marriage as a trap, the only result pain and suffering. And despite what people claimed, he would not consider that good could come from it.
To make matters more complex, Philip was drawn to his half-brother despite his efforts not to be. A baby brother that was innocent in all of this and needed his protection. He was named Percy and where society deemed him unfit, Philip simply did not care.
The villagers cared. They were not subtle in their judgement. And they treated Percy with contempt, only too happy to let him know how they felt.
That was why Philip hated them and that was why he wanted Iris to stay away. Although he wasn’t surprised that she did not, and not because he did not tell her the truth of why he wanted her to. But because, once again, he believed that in marriage pain brought was the only possible consequence.
And all the while, Philip was drawn back to images of Iris. His kissing her. Her moaning, body trembling, begging him for more. The way he teased her, knowing he could do with her whatever he wanted. And when he had stopped, how upset she had looked…. How much she wanted him. And how much he wanted her.
He groaned where he sat and took a hasty sip of ale to cool his thoughts and body.
Could he have both? The pleasure and the distance? And would Iris want such a thing? Somehow, he doubted that very much. What Philip had to do was come to a decision. Would he finally accept what this marriage might be and stop hiding in the shadows? Or would he cut it off now and shirk the risk of getting in too deep?
He did not know.
And so, he sat in that tavern and continued to drink. The time to return home would come soon. When he did, he’d have to facehis wife and tell her what he wanted. Perhaps a decision would be reached before that moment arrived? Likely, he would not know until he was looking her in the eyes.
I was told once that married life was the hardest thing a man would ever do. I didn’t believe it… but I have always been a slow learner.
Chapter Thirteen
“Oh, this color!” Iris exclaimed as she spun about on the spot. “I love it!”
“It does suit you, Your Grace.”
“And shame on me for doubting you,” Iris laughed as she hurried to the mirror to get a better look. “It won’t happen again.”
