Page 47 of An Accidental Bride for the Duke
“Philip,” she started again, keeping her tone soft. “I am sorry, truly. I did not mean to… I did not think that…” She affected an awkward laugh. “I guess I wasn’t thinking at all.”
“No, you weren’t,” he said, his tone sharp and dismissive. He still couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “Iris, we need to talk.”
“Oh…”
He nodded to himself and then he turned and started toward the staircase. “Follow me, please.” He did not look to see if she followed, walking up the stairs at pace.
Iris had no choice but to follow. She did so with caution, worry stabbing her insides because she sensed that an argument was about to take place.
She thought they had passed this point. That they were beginning to understand one another and what was expected in this relationship. But how could they do such a thing if every time she acted in a way Philip did not like, he saw fit to chastise her? She might have been his wife, but she wasn’t a little girl in constant need of protection.
Still, she followed him. They walked down the hall and soon came upon her room. Philip walked in without looking back and she had no choice but to follow.
He was standing in the room’s center, his back facing her.
“Close the door,” he said.
She did so without hesitation, wincing slightly to hear the door click shut as if she was trapping herself inside.
“I want to start by saying…” Philip hesitated, and she saw his hands opening and closing into fists. “I do not blame you for what happened. That, I leave at the feet of my brother.”
“Blame?” Iris had to stop herself from scoffing. “There is no reason to blame anybody.”
“There is,” he said sternly, still not looking at her. “I don’t… when night came and I learned that you had not returned, that you and Percy were nowhere to be found, you have no idea how worried I was.” He spoke into his chest, the words rattling as if they hurt to speak. “I was terrified that something had happened to you.”
Despite herself, Iris smiled. “I know that, Philip. But there was no need?—”
“I do not like being made to feel that way,” he spoke over her. “I do not like being put in a position where I am made to worry or…or wonder if you are in danger. Perhaps my words just now were harsh, but you must know why they were necessary. I ask that you don’t put me in that position again.”
This was so hard for him. Iris looked at her husband, understanding now the struggle this caused. He was so desperate to appear strong and in command always, and to worry made him feel weak.
But he could not help it. First there was Percy, his younger brother whom he had cared for despite the shame he likely felt because of it. And now with his wife, one he did not want, but was forced to accept and welcome into his life. The push and pull of what he thought he must do versus what he wanted, and the effort it took him to come to terms with such feelings was wrecking him.
“I am sorry,” Iris said, starting slowly toward him. “It won’t happen again.”
“It better not.”
She grimaced, feeling an urge to snap at him because she did not appreciate being spoken to like that. But she stayed that urge, needing Philip to know that he was appreciated. And most importantly, that she understood him better than he realized.
“I know why you worry,” she said softly as she reached him. “And you should know how much I appreciate it. But you must also realize that you do not need to worry nearly as much as you do.”
“I do,” he said sharply. “I don’t… it is not a choice that I have, Iris. It is just the way things are.”
“And I love that.” Reaching him, she gently placed her hands on his shoulders. He tensed at first, but she felt him relax. “I do. But Philip, I have spent my entire life being looked after – I told you of my mother and how she treated me. How trapped I felt by her. How I had no agency or… or freedom whatsoever because everything I did brought her fear.”
“I remember…”
“I don’t want to live that life again,” she said as she gently squeezed his shoulders. He reached up with one hand and rested it on her right hand. “I want you to worry after me, just as I want you to know that I am capable of looking after myself.”
He winced. “And if you aren’t?”
She laughed gently. “When that happens, then you can worry. Look…” She stepped in closer, her body pressed into his back. “This is difficult for you, and it is just as new for me. We are both still learning, both still coming to terms with what is expected of this marriage. So that you felt the way you did…” Her free hand moved down his side and wrapped around his waist. “I’m going to forgive you for it this time. I might even choose to see it as a positive.”
“Forgive me?” There was an edge to his tone.
“Yes,” she said rightly. “I am good like that.”
She could feel him relaxing; his body no longer trembling, his breathing returning to normal. “You are, aren’t you.” Her other hand moved so that it was around his waist. “But as I will try harder from now on, know too that I will never stop wanting to protect you. I can’t change that about myself.”
