Page 79 of An Accidental Bride for the Duke
Sometimes, he could still hear Percy’s cries echoing down the hallways. He could remember clearly having to listen to it,hating the sound and what it meant. A constant reminder of what his mother had done to his father, a death that was not her fault, but Philip always felt she should be blamed for.
And when she fell sick, he still refused to go and see her. He did not want to! So assured was he in blaming her for everything, he was happy to pretend she did not exist. Dammit, he wished that she hadn’t.
It wasn’t until after she died that Philip realized his mistake.
Percy had been two years old and with Robert still just a boy, it had fallen on Philip to raise him. He’d had no choice but to venture into the eastern wing, turning his father’s room into his own, shutting up the rooms where his mother had been because even then he wanted nothing to do with her. But then he held Percy in his arms, stilled the baby’s crying, and slowly he had come to understand just how foolish he had been.
His mother had needed him. Yes, she’d made a horrible mistake, but that hadn’t changed who she was. Her husband dead. A baby to raise alone. And her oldest son, ignoring her because he was too stubborn and self-righteous to forgive.
Realizing this had crushed him. But rather than doing the healthy thing and moving on, Philip decided to try and forget, hoping that if he left most of the wing abandoned, pushed his mother from his mind, he could simply pretend that he wasn’t at fault and not hate himself as he still very much did.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Philip said, his voice barely a whisper.
“It’s not about what you say,” Percy said, his tone softening. “It’s about understanding, Philip. Realizing that what happened with our mother… I know that she hurt you. I know how much you hated her for it. Just as I know you wish you had forgiven her when you had the chance.”
“But I didn’t,” Philip said, his breathing turned ragged as he felt his chest constrict. “I didn’t forgive her. And then she died and I… I…”
“You raised me,” Percy said. “When you didn’t have to.”
He scoffed. “Anyone would have done the same.”
“That’s not true.”
“It doesn’t make up for it,” Philip shot back, almost as if he was angry. “I couldn’t forgive her. And I used raising you as an excuse to make myself feel better about it. What does that say about me?”
“That you’re a slow learner.”
“This isn’t funny, Percy.”
“Who’s laughing?” He walked around the table and rested a hand on Philip’s shoulder. “You need to get over it, Philip. Not just that you didn’t forgive her. And not that you hate yourself for it – what it has done to you, is what I mean. This inability to trust. Your disdain for marriage. Thinking that you don’t deserve to be happy. And why? All you have ever done, as far as I can see, is protect people who needed it. Me especially. If anyone deserves to be happy…” He chuckled softly. “I’d say it’s you.”
Percy was right. About everything.
His hate for what his mother had done to their father had shaped his views on marriage. His inability to forgive her before she died had in turn made Philip hate himself. But as stubborn as he was, he’d never been able to admit it. Unable to recognize that not all mistakes were equal, he refused to forgive where he should. And the consequence of this was a life lived alone for fear of being hurt.
“Philip…” Percy said in a whisper. “Say something.” His hand squeezed harder on Philip’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Percy.”
“What for?”
His laughter was bitter. “For everything, it would seem.”
“I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”
For a second time, Percy was correct. But was it too late? Iris had left, conceded already that the two of them could not work. What good would forgiveness do now? If anything, it might make things worse as it would prove once and for all that this was Philip’s fault and if he hadn’t been who he was, he could have stopped it.
His body began to shake. He felt tears welling in his eyes. On the verge of breaking, he turned and threw his arms around his younger brother. And Percy, always there for him, hugged him back.
All this time, I have been the one who looked after Percy… or I thought I had been. Perhaps it is time I allow someone to look after me for a damn change.
Nothing else was said after that. Just Philip and Percy hugging away his sorrow. He had made so many mistakes. Many of which were past the point of forgiveness. But at least he knew it now, and maybe in the future he would be able to change himself rather than failing as he had done with Iris.
A shame that she was not here… that once again, he had missed his chance to do as he should have done. Typical Philip, realizing his mistakes when it was too late to do anything about them.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Iris had not left her room since her argument with her mother. That was two days ago now, and still she had no intention of leaving anytime soon. Food was brought to her periodically. She had books to read and material to write with. A bed to sleep in. And most importantly, plenty of time to be alone and reflect on all the mistakes she had made which led her there.
