Page 43 of Flirtasaurus
“No, no, really! Had I known that a massive asteroid would strike this planet and wipe out the creatures you so dearly love, and if I had the power to go back in time and stop it… I would.”
“Well, how in the hell would you have done that? That’s impossible. That’s—”
“Hey, Callie?”
“Yeah?”
“Go with me here, will ya? I’m letting myself be unscientific and non-literal for just a minute.”
“You called me Callie.”
“I did. Is… that okay?”
“Nobody really calls me that. But, yeah. It’s okay.”
“Cool,” he says with a smile. “So, Callie. I guess what I would have to do… You know, after I time traveled back a few millennia—”
“A few?”
“Alright, more than a few. I’d have to invent a rocket since they wouldn’t be invented just yet, shoot myself up to the heavens, then circle the Earth’s atmosphere until I could hitch a ride on that bastard ball of flaming rock dead set for your dinos. I would latch onto it with my brute strength and push that mammoth motherfucker off course until it found some other planet and some other life form to obliterate. Then I’d fall back to Earth like a feather, land back on a cozy couch with you and our pet, Troodon, since Troodon is obviously and by far the most precious dinosaur to ever walk the planet, and we’d watchFriends, drink Yoo-hoo, and laugh our asses off together until the day we died a peaceful non-apocalyptic death.”
This. Guy.
“Uggadah-uggadah. Woo!”
“What was that? Did you just do a little jig?”
“Of course not. I just had a-a, uh…. a charley horse situation.”
“Really? I thought those only happened when people were sleeping.”
“Oh no, they can happen anytime.”
“Huh.”
Truth? I was so turned on by him at that moment, I did a lusty little leg shake to get those warm and fuzzy feelings moving right back where they came from. Full disclosure? It didn’t work.
“I have work to do,” I blurt out suddenly. “You need to go.”
“What? What kind of work?”
“Research! I need these people to take me seriously and they’re not going to if – Just go, please.“ I start physically pushing him toward the door.
“Geez! Fine! Can I at least put my shoes on?”
“I don’t know,canyou?”
There I go again, getting mean when I’m nervous.
Picking up his shoes, I shove them into his chest, then explode into a riot of words as I keep pressing him out the door and into the hallway
“This has been surprisingly fun, and I really appreciate you carrying the boxes, and stuffing envelopes, and drinking beer with me, and rubbing my feet, and tap dancing for me, and generally being sweet and adorable and smart and wonderful, but I really think it’s best that we don’t fraternize outside of work until I figure out why my boss hates me and how I can impress her, or until you suddenly become an unintelligent unattractive troll instead of the delicious, sweet, kind man you obviously are.”
“Callie, can we just—”
“Goodbye and good riddance, Ralph. Well, not good riddance. You don’t deserve any riddance, but… yeah, goodbye.”
I slam the door and lock the bolt, then hear a quiet and confused, “Bye,” echo in the hall.
