Page 85 of Flirtasaurus
“Not at all. I call who I want to call. I see who I want to see. I don’t need to view pictures of my friends’ breakfast or the results of their Buzzfeed quizzes to know who they really are at their core.”
“Okay, Boomer.” I roll my eyes at him.
“Oh man, you don’t really say ‘Okay, Boomer,’ do you? That phrase is pretty disrespectful, don’t you think?”
“Chill, Ralphalpha.”
“I really hope that nickname doesn’t stick.”
“Oh, it’s sticking. Consider it stuck! And I was calling you a boomer ironically.”
He gives me a look out of the corner of his eye like he doesn’t quite believe me.
“Because clearly, you’re not,” I explain. “What are you, twenty-eight? Twenty-nine? But brace yourself, dude, because you are about to meet the boomerest of boomers in less than an hour.”
“Still calling me dude, I see,” he marvels. “Even after we…”
“After we what?” I say with full seriousness.
He scoffs. Then smiles. Then frowns.
“Well. You know.”
“No, I don’t know. After we…?”
He goes into full panic mode.
“Calliope, I swear to God if you tell me right now that you don’t remember sleeping together last night, I’m going to lose my damn mind. I will turn myself into the closest police station we can find! Find it right now on your phone, please. Geezus, I thought we were on the same page! I should have followed my gut on that one. I knew we shouldn’t have gone there for the first time while on a mushroom trip, but you were so… you seemed so… and then you… I mean, come on, you even clapped and cheered for The Condom Moment! So I just felt like—”
“Ralph, Ralph, Ralph!”
“What!” he practically yells at me, he’s so wound up.
The poor guy is spiraling big time. Not to mention the car is starting to swerve on the highway along with his agitation.
“First of all, I remember.”
“Oh, thank God,” he says on a rush.
“Second of all, eyes on the road, please? And breeeeeathe.”
“Breathing. I’m breathing,” he lets out on a relieved sigh. He gets the car back on track.
“And thirdly?” I hear my voice soften to the point that it doesn’t even sound like me. “You were really sweet and sexy.”
He flashes me that smile I’ve come to love.
“Sexy, huh?”
“Easy, tiger. Rest assured that the mushrooms loosened me up a bit, but they did not impair my judgment in any way. I think they just… allowed me to do what I’ve wanted to do pretty much since the first time I saw you. So, no regrets.”
I take a moment to amend my statement.
“Well, I mean, I could have done without the industrial carpet rug burn on my knees and the blasts of A/C on my bare ass every few minutes, but other than that… no regrets.”
It’s silent for a moment—too long if you ask me—and I start to doubt myself.
“You?” I ask in way too high a voice.
