Page 88 of Flirtasaurus
She dashes inside ahead of us.
“My Suzie Q makes the most bodacious glazed ham you’ll ever taste,” Dad says proudly.
“Actually, I don’t…” Ralph hesitates. “Never mind.”
“‘You don’t’ what? Speak your mind, son.”
“I don’t actually eat ham.”
“Who the hell doesn’t eat ham?”
“Idon’t. I’m vegan. Not to mention Jewish.”
“Well, then get the hell out.”
“Excuse me?”
“The Jews killed Jesus, so get the hell out!” Dad bellows from the threshold, pointing a finger toward the car that brought us here.
Ralph’s eyes widen for what has to be the hundredth time since we’ve arrived, and we’ve been here less than five minutes.
“Oh, I’m kidding, you cute son of a bitch!”
Dad jerks Ralph into the house and promptly elbows him in the ribs again. I see Ralph sneak a hand to rub his side this time.
“Dad? Can we go easy on the assault, please? Also, not everyone gets your humor, so maybe we could ease Ralph in a bit.”
“Sorry, but I do not ease, Ralph. I’m a full-throttle kind of guy. Just ask my wife.” Mom returns, and Dad punctuates his already inappropriate-for-company statement by nibbling on her ear.
“Oh, you!” Mom responds flirtatiously.
I give my dad a disapproving look.
“Mom? Has Dad been drinking already? It’s not even noon.”
“Honey, leave him alone. It’s a holiday. Ralph, we’re a shoes-off household. I hope you don’t mind,” she says as she shuffles off her flats and slips on some fuzzy slippers.
“Nearly thirty years married to this woman, and we’re suddenly a shoes-off household.’”
“Sweetheart, I read that article that said—”
“That ‘the E. coli tracked in on our shoes can lead to intestinal infections.’ I know, I know.” He turns and smiles at Ralph. “My honey here is worried about my intestinal tract.”
“If that ain’t love, I don’t know what is,” I say.
“Well, I don’t mind a bit,” Ralph responds and proceeds to line his loafers right up on the shoe rack along with the rest of the family’s. It seems he goes with the flow in every situation.
“Looks like I’m the last to arrive. So, where is everyone?” I ask.
“They’re all in the family room. Come, Ralph, we’ll give you the tour.”
“He doesn’t need a tour, Mom. We can just—”
“Alright, now careful going down these stairs, Ralph. That second step, there is wobbly. Ken’s been meaning to fix it, but—”
“I’ll get to it; I’ll get to it. Hard to do home improvement projects when this lady here keeps me so busy servicingher. I’m sure you know what I mean, Ralph.”
“I don’t…” Ralph stutters. “I mean, I’m not really sure I—”
