Page 100 of Lovebug
“Wait. Are you serious?”
“Quite.”
“Well, consider my mind blown, sir. Because that makes absolutely no sense!Cuntilingous would be far more appropriate.”
“I actually have to agree with you on that.”
“Can we just agree to call it funilingous?” I ask.
“We sure can. May I continue then, milady?”
“You may.”
With that, he returns to his heroic ministrations, and I lose all further ability to think or speak coherent thoughts. I give myself over completely to the burst of amazing sensations billowing through me, all because of this brilliant man.
When I woke up this morning, I had absolutely no idea this was the kind of day that lay ahead of me. I guess we never really do, though, do we? Some days you find out your fiancé is boning his way through the entire tristate area—ha, “boning.” I guess Calliope’s books are starting to rub off on me—and other days, you end up being worshiped from head to toe by a sexy, charismatic man who makes anything feel possible. We just never know.
As I’m coming down from the high, I hear a faint sound off in the distance. Like a voice calling out for something or someone? Now that I think about it, I did have a fuzzy awareness of this sound filtering in over the past minute or so, but my mind was obviously wrapped up in other things.
“Did you hear that?” I ask as Wally rises to his full height and cradles my face.
“I sure did. I told you, don’t worry. You can be as loud as you want. You certainly won’t hear me complaining about the sound of a woman enjoying herself.”
“No, not that.That. Is that the loudspeaker?”
We both look upward, like little gophers peeking out of their burrows, straining to hear.
“And now,” a voice crackles. “It brings me great pleasure to introduce someone very special.”
“Oh shit,” Wally says. “What time is it? Is it noon?”
“Turn off the water, turn off the water,” I say.
He turns the knob, and the sound of the rushing water instantly shuts off, so we both hear it loud and clear when the voice says, “Please welcome to the stage—the new owner of Bucks County Arboretum and Nature Reserve—the wonderful Wallace Bieber!”
Chapter Nineteen
“Oh, shit,” Wally says.“I’m supposed to give a speech at noon. Let’s head on up.”
He exits the wooden shower stall and grabs two towels out of a small built-in cabinet.
“Let’s head on up? All you have to say right now is ‘let’s head on up’?” I feel my pitch rising.
“What else should I be saying?” He hands me one towel over the door then starts running the other one roughly over his hair.
“Oh, I don’t know, how about ‘Hey Mabel, before I go down on you, guess what? I OWN THE ARBORETUM! You know, WHERE YOU WORK’?”
“Well, that wouldn’t have been very romantic, now would it?” He has the audacity to chuckle. “But sure, yes, you’re right. We should absolutely talk about that later. Oh, I pulled this out for you.”
He presents me with an odd, eggplant-colored women’s garment—what is that, a power suit?—and drapes it over the side of the enclosure.
I have no idea what my face is doing at the moment, but he’s clearly responding to it when he says, “Well, there’s no sense in putting your dirty clothes back on that are covered in beer and Tap Dat Asp, right?”
“Right,” I say slowly. Dumbly. Suddenly, I feel ten times more naked than I was a moment before.
The speaker crackles again. “Wallace? Are you out there?”
“Alright. Gotta shake a leg,” he says so cooly and calmly I’m almost aggravated. Almost.
