Page 44 of Lovebug
“Ishe, though?” Cyndi sasses.
“Cyndi, seriously,” I snap. “What’s your problem?”
“No problem,” she says. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Thank you.”
“I just don’t see how youcouldbe with—”
“Continue, Mabel,” Louise encourages me while cutting off Cyndi. “What happens next?”
“Oh, you know… stuff,” I mumble.
“Describe the stuff please?” Calliope is back in investigative mode.
“You know what? I think I’m actually ready to move on from this discussion. I’m feeling pretty awkward at this point and—”
“He pulls out his ‘Dick Wolf’…” Calliope presses.
“Fine. Yes, he pulls out his Dick Wolf…” I say with hesitation.
“And then…?”
I take a deep breath and go for it.
“He tugs on it, I tug on it. He jerks it, I jerk it. I blow it. He blows it—”
“Whoa whoa, wait a damn second. How doesheblow it?” Louise asks.
“Sorry. I meant to say he blowsonit. That’s part of his process.”
“Hisprocess?” Cyndi balks.
“Yes, Cyndi, there is a process,” I snap again. “May I continue?”
Calliope opens her palm and gestures to me. “By all means, yes.”
“Thank you.” I pick up where I left off. “I cup it. He cups it. I pump it, he pumps it. Then I gaze at it, he gazes at it. I whisper to it, he whispers to it. I compliment it, he compliments it. Then I turn around, brace myself, and—you know—heusesit. The end.”
I guzzle down the rest of my whiskey sour with my eyes squeezed shut. When I open them, three pairs of eyes are practically bugging out of their respective heads.
Calliope breaks the silence. “Um. Excuse my language, but… What. In. The. Actual. Fuck.”
“It’s official!” Cyndi announces. “Bert sucks! Bert’s a shellfish shmuck! Damn, it’s hard to say those two words back-to-back. Selfish. Schmuck. Selfish. Schmuck. Nailed it. Oh sweetness, for the love of all that’s good, get out of that relationship stat!”
“Don’t tell me what to do. No one should be telling me what to do right now,” I assert myself.
Go me. You know what? I’ve decided I’m going to start drinking more. I like drunk me.
“Mabel?” a gentle voice pipes up.
“Yes, Louise.”
“I may have missed it, but is the entire focus always on… ‘Dick Wolf’? I mean, at a certain point does Bert focus on… Olivia?”
“Olivia? Who the hell is Olivia?” Calliope asks.
Louise considers a moment and scrunches her brows. “Olivia… Pope?”
