Page 51 of Lovebug
Louise raises her hand.
“Yes. Louise?” Apparently, I call on people now to chime in on the state of my life.
“I say this with absolutely no judgment, Mabel, but… if you’re engaged and happy, why do you think this guy is affecting you so much?”
Her forehead scrunches, and her head tilts. Louise suddenly looks and sounds very therapist-y.
Cyndi chimes in, “Because that guy is the anti-Bert! He is hella hot, and he’s… gosh, what word would you use to describe him?” She taps her chin in thought.
“Burly!” Calliope says.
“Burly, yes!” Cyndi agrees. “He’s super burly. And hirsute!”
Calliope cackles. “How very SAT prep of you, Cyndi! Throw me a bone here though, I’m forgetting what hirsute means.”
“It means hairy,” I fill in. “But Wally’s hairy in a good way!”
“I didn’t say he wasn’t, girlfriend,” Cyndi says with a knowing look.
“Wait.Wally, did you say?” Calliope smiles. “Have you given this man a nickname?”
“Wallace,” I backpedal. “Whatever.”
God, I’m dying for a subject change.
“Mabel,” Louise says. “This is just an observation, not a criticism. I find it…interestingthat you have knowledge ofWally’s… hirsute-itude.” Again she has this counselor-like vibe about her.
“First of all,” I say, “‘hirsute-itude’ is not a word, and second of all, you’re a marine biologist, aren’t you? Not a psychologist? Why do you sound so…?”
“Sorry.” Louise snaps out of whatever mode she was in. “I’ve, uh… I’ve finally started seeing a therapist for the first time in—well, ever—and I think… well, I guess he’s sort of rubbing off on me.”
“You should never let your therapist rub one off on you, Louise! Never!” Calliope scolds as she takes another gulp of her margarita, then licks the salt rim.
“Not like that, you dork. Gosh!” Louise retorts.
Calliope knocks back the rest of her margarita and takes this opportunity to get on her soapbox. “Hey, while we’re on the topic of hirsute-itude… I know society tells us we’re supposed to want these smooth Ken doll look-alikes for men, but ef that shit, yeah? Give this girl a little chest and back hair any day! Know what I mean? Ralph is hirsute-as-hell, and I love it. Gives him a primal edge, ya know? Rawr.”
“Did you just growl?” I ask.
“Sure did, and I’ll do it again. Rawr. Plus, on a practical note, the bit of hair gives me a little somethin’-somethin’ to tug on while we’re—”
“Enough with the… brotherfucker stuff, Callie!” Louise pleads.
“Oooh, ‘brotherfucker.’ I like that, Lou!” Calliope squeals. “From here on in, consider me a proud brotherfucker!” She backpedals for a second. “Yourbrother, obviously. Not mine.”
Lou looks queasy.
“For the record!” I proclaim and stand from my stool. “I do not have knowledge of anyone’s body except for Bert’s. I was only commenting on the fact that Wallace has long…headhair and well-trimmed…beardhair. Any other kind of hair he may possess is unbeknownst to me and has nothing to do with me.”
“I’m not opposed to you finding out,” a male voice says from directly behind me.
And… my stomach feels like it falls right out of my butt.
It drops, I mean. My stomach drops.
It’s Wally. Clearly, I took my eyes off him long enough for him to perform a sneak attack.
“Nice use of ‘unbeknownst,’” he rumbles. “That’s not a word that comes up often in casual conversation.”
