Page 49 of Lovebug
I feel my eyes start to water.
“Whoa, Mabes,” Cyndi whispers as she rubs my back. ”Are youcrying? What’s going on?”
“Eye penetration, Calliope?” Lou scolds. “Really?”
Calliope frowns. “Oh my gosh. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s fine. You didn’t upset me.” I cut her off. “And no”—I shoot daggers at Cyndi—“I’m not crying. I never cry.”
“What do you mean you never cry?” Lou asks in obvious disbelief.
“She doesn’t!” Cyndi says. “I’ve known the girl over eighteen years… “
“Eighteen years, two months. and fifteen days,” I interject.
“And I’ve never once seen her cry. Not when her grandma died, not when she got kicked off the Mathletes team, not even when her hamster ate her babies.“
“Holy shit,” Calliope gasps. “Your hamster ate her babies?”
It’s true. My hamster did eat her babies. Her name was Sonya. I was thirteen years old and had just read Chekov’sUncle Vanyafor the first time—hence the name Sonya. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was horrifying, but I didn’t cry. Don’t get me wrong, Iwantedto cry. The tears built up inside me, but they lodged in my throat. They always lodge in my throat and don’t come up any higher. No matter what is happening in my life, no matter how sad I am… the tears just won’t spill. They surface, but they don’t spill. The smile always springs up instead.
“I apologize for yelling,” I say. “I’m not a yeller. I think I’m still getting used to you, Calliope…”
“Understandable. I’m a lot,” she says proudly.
“…and I wasn’t expecting you to say the word… penetrate…” I hiccup. “I guess it just made me feel uncomfortable.”
“I’m sorry?” Calliope apologizes as if she’s asking a question. I can’t blame her. Why on earth should she have to say sorry to a grown woman for talking about grown-woman topics?
“Don’t be,” I say. “I’m twenty-four years old. I should be fine with hearing the word penetrate.”
“You really should,” Cyndi agrees.
”You think I don’t know that, Cyndi?!” I say a little more harshly than I intend. “I shouldn’t want to run and hide during discussions like this with my friends! And I should be confident with men, with my body, with sex! Geez… at the very least, I should be confident with mythoughtsand feelings and opinions! But I’m not. I’m confused and embarrassedallthe time! I doubt myselfallthe time!”
It’s official. I am airing my dirty emotional laundry in a local, suburban bar.
“This is not surprising to me that you feel this way, Mabes,” Cyndi says. “You’ve been groomed to be such a ‘good girl’ over the years. And your level of good-girl-ness is pretty unsustainable after the age of eight if you ask me.”
“Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.” An extended sound of disgust tumbles out of me and extends for way too long. It’s met with a moment of silence.
“Whoa,” Calliope murmurs.
“What the hell wasthat?” Cyndi marvels. “Did Mabel McGonigle just ‘ugggghhh’ me?”
“She did, yes.” I say. “I mean, I did, yes. I’m sorry, I’m just… getting a bit… tired of that description of me.”
“Which description?” Louise asks. “A good girl?”
“Ugggggggggggh. Yes. I also don’t really appreciate being compared to an eight-year-old, Cyndi. No offense to eight-year-olds. Eight-year-olds are lovely.”
“No, they’re not. And I wasn’tcomparingyou to an eight-year-old. I was suggesting that perhaps your parents stilltreatyou like one,” Cyndi says, then turns to Calliope and Louise and explains, “See, Mabel’s parents are super overprotective. They have always sheltered the shit out of her. So it makes sense to me that you feel this way, Mabes. You’ve been in a little Mabel-bubble your whole life. Gosh, you know what you’re like? You’re like that little baby elephant in captivity whose owners tied her foot to a pole so she wouldn’t wander away. Then, years later, when she’s a big badass three ton colossus of an elephant who could pull that stake out of the ground with the tiniest of tugs, it doesn’t even cross her mind to try. Why? Because she’s been conditioned to be docile.”
“Now we’re comparing me to an elephant?”
“We are,” Cyndi says, no remorse at all.
“Elephants symbolize patience, wisdom and strength.” Louise soothes. “Also strong familial bonds and commitment. Cyndi’s saying you’re way more powerful than you realize.”
