Page 75 of Lovebug
He comes up for air, and I hear the tone of three numbers being entered into his phone.
“Mabel, I’m so sorry. Please, just please be okay, and I swear I’ll never cheat on you again.”
“YOU CHEATED ON ME?”
I spring back to life.
His eyes widen five times their regular size.
“No, I…”he stammers. “Oh, thank God you’re alive. I—”
“9-1-1, what is your emergency?” a nasal voice comes through Bert’s phone on speaker. It’s always on speaker. Even when we’re in public. Yup, he’sthatguy.
“You called 9-1-1?!” I squeal.
“Well, yeah! I thought you were dead! Wait. Why are you not dead?”
“Did youwantme to be dead?”
“No! Of course not, but—”
“9-1-1, what is your emergency?” the voice asks again, more emphatic this time.
I grab the phone from Bert and speak into it.
“Hi, there. I’m so sorry we wasted your time. There is no emergency here. My fiancé thought I was dead, but I’m not.”
“Are you sure, ma’am?”
“That I’m not dead?” I look down my body and pat myself a few times. “Yes, I’m sure. Gosh, this is all my fault. See, I was actuallypretendingto be dead to avoid conflict and intimate contact with my fiancé. I guess I did a pretty good job since he called you in a panic. Yay me! Up until this point, I’ve never been celebrated for my acting skills. Nope, I was stage crew throughout school and summer camp, so this is really surprising and not at all unwelcome, but I am terribly sorry to have disturbed you and concerned you this evening. What is your name?”
“Ethel.”
“Nice to meet you, Ethel. I’m Mabel.”
“Mabel, give me back my phone,” Bert says with impatience.
I continue, undeterred.
“Thing is, I thought Bert and I were relatively happy, but recently I’ve been feeling less than fulfilled. I thought it was just me, and I needed to adjust my perception of the situation, but I’m coming to realize that there are actually some major flaws in the relationship itself.”
“Mabel, you don’t need to tell her about our—”
“See, what you need to understand about me, Ethel, is that I’m the kind of person who makes the best of things. You know, that person who looks for the good in people no matter what? And now—”
“Will you stop!” Bert says before snatching the phone from my hand and silencing it.
“Bert!” I scold.
“What?” he snaps.
“You hung up on Ethel! That was incredibly rude!”
“No, you know what is incredibly rude? Andillegal? Placing a fake 9-1-1 call.”
“Ididn’t place the call.Youdid!”
“Again, because I thought you were dead!”
