Page 103 of Sharkbait
“Agreed.”
I pop in the tape and sit on the couch beside him. That “Wooly Bully” song starts to play, and baby John Candy starts looking up ladies’ skirts.
“There are so many things wrong with this movie,” I say. “I can’t help but love it, though.”
“Really? What can you find wrong withSplash?”
“Ohmygosh, where do I even begin?”
“Wherever you like,” he says.
I launch in. “Alright. Why does the mermaid have pierced ears? How does her hair dry so quickly after exiting the water?Why do people almost get hit by cars so often in this film? The Freddie character actually smokes a cigarette while exercising!”
“Well, it was the eighties,” James says.
“True, and also, yes, I know it was the eighties, but holy crap, the amount of inappropriate male behavior in this movie blows my mind! The prepubescent peeping Tom on the boat, the fact that theSchitt’s Creekguy tries to get Daryl Hannah wet to prove she’s a mermaid. Oh and when Tom Hanks rejects her in that tank while he holds his little pee-pee? It’s so freaking sad.”
“You sure you want to watch it?”
“Oh, totally! I can hold two opposing beliefs at the same time.” With that, I kick back and settle in to enjoy our movie night.
We watch for a few minutes, then seemingly out of the blue, James says, “You can?”
“I can what?” I say between crunches of popcorn.
“Hold two opposing beliefs at the same time.”
“Oh. Yeah.”
I thought that conversation was over. But whatever.
“Of course,” I continue. “In this case, I’m totally comfortable holding the beliefs thatSplashis both terrible and terrific at the exact same time.”
“I’m, um…” James clears his throat. “I’m actually glad to hear you say that.”
“Why?” I take a sip of my Coke.
He’s acting so strange tonight.
Does he not want to be here or something?
“Because…” He shifts on the couch so he’s in a more upright position and seems to switch tactics. “Can I mention something I’ve noticed about you?”
“Oh God.”
“What?”
“Is this where you psychoanalyze me?” I laugh.
“Of course not, no! I wouldn’t do that. Besides, you’re the one with the psychology degree, not me.”
“Well, I minored in psychology,” I correct. “And to be honest, I’m not sure how much that has ultimately helped me with people. In my experience, animals are way easier to understandthan people.”
His mouth opens and closes a few times like a guppy.
But no words come out.
“What was the thing you noticed about me?”
