Page 58 of Bringing Home the Bacon
“Pretty odd situation for a third date, huh?” I joke.
“I’ve had odder,” Bacon says.
“You have?”
He picks up a life-size anatomical model of the female pelvis and makes it talk in a high, squeaky voice. “Actually, no, I have not.”
“Oh my god, stop.” I laugh. “Women do not sound like that. And get your hands off that lady’s butt bones!”
“Lady, these are not butt bones. They are pubic bones?—”
“Bleh. I hate the word pubic.”
“Love it or hate it, Colleen, these pubic bones are pretty amazing. Did you know they actively spread apart during labor to allow the baby to move through the birth canal?” He accompanies this fact with a demonstration, repeatedly spreading the bones with his hands. “See? In and out. In and out.”
“Knock, knock!” a melodic voice calls out, and a woman in teal scrubs enters the room. She’s instantly familiar to me, but I can’t place her. Bacon catches her attention first. “Sir. Please don’t manhandle the female pelvis.” He’s about to apologize when she lowers her voice to a faux seductive tone and says, “Unless we ask you nicely, that is.”
“Um…” That’s all Bacon manages to say in response.
“But seriously, sir. Put the anatomical model down. That shit is expensive.”
He puts the pelvis back on its metal stand.
The woman plops onto a plush rolling stool and wheels a white machine in my direction. She takes one look at me and squeals.
“Colleen Bedd! As I live and breathe!”
She launches from her seat to give me a tight hug, sending the rolling stool careening across the room. I wasn’t planning on hugging a woman today while half naked, but as I’ve learned, life is full of surprises.
“Hi, um—uh…” I stammer.
I give her a few pats on the back while it comes back to me. We went to middle school together. She was the one who started the “Elizabethans for Ethan” club. Then she moved away soon after. Why can’t I remember her name? It’s on the tip of my tongue…
“Melinda!” she says, breaking the hug and placing a palm on her chest.
“Right! Yes! Of course. Hi, Melinda. What are you, uh, what are you doing here? I haven’t seen you since, gosh, seventh grade?”
“I know, I know, I know.” She waves a hand in the air. “My parents’ divorce meant I had to leave Fork Lick for Ohio, which was the worst. I got married and started my own family there—bloom where you’re planted and all, right?—but now I’m the one getting a divorce, so I get to decide where I wanna live. I moved back to Fork Lick with my kids just last week, and now I’m one of the new ultrasound techs here at Climax OB-GYN.” She giggles. “Gosh, I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to saying that. I don’t like all the silly jokes about Climax, but when you put that word next to OB-GYN, it really does sound scandalous, doesn’t it? I’m sorry to disappoint you, Colleen, but we keep things strictly professional at this establishment. Hence, no climaxes will be doled out today at this here doctor’s appointment.”
I look at Bacon. His eyes are wide, and his mouth is slightly open.
“I’m not disappointed, Melinda. And gosh, I should hope not!”
Melinda’s face turns serious. “How are your handsome brothers doing? I mean, they were gorgeous when they were in middle school and high school. They must all be sex on a stick now, huh?”
With that, she pulls out an actual stick. A bulbous white stick that she promptly covers with a condom.
What in the world is that?
“Any of them single?” She continues and points at herself with the unknown medical object. “Because this lady is officially single and ready to mingle.”
“I’d prefer if we didn’t talk about my brothers right now if that’s okay with you. Also, what the hell are you holding?”
“You’re right, you’re right. We’re here to talk about you! Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way! This,” Melinda says proudly, “is a transvaginal ultrasound wand.”
“A transvaginal whatta-wand?” My voice pitches higher.
Melinda repeats. “A transvaginal ultrasound wand.”
