Page 87 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
I think for a second.
“Yeah,” I say. “I would.”
“Well then, consider me your mom-buffer.”
He grabs the phone from me and places it to his ear.
“What are you doing?!” I whisper-yell.
He holds up a finger to me.
I can hear her ranting through the speaker.
“Whoa, whoa whoa,” he says. “Mrs. Whitaker? Yes. Hi there. Wow, you have a lot of energy, huh? That’s great! Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Matt. I’m Penny’s boyfriend.” He gives me a wink. “Thank you so much for the invitation. Your daughter and I can’t wait to see you on Sunday.”
Chapter 22
Matt
If you told me a few days ago that I’d be sitting shotgun in a rental car with a spiral ham on my lap while Penny drives us to her parents’ house in Connecticut, I’d call you a liar.
Yet here I am.
And I am fucking psyched.
Something overtook me the other day when I heard Penny’s mother giving her a hard time. I grabbed the phone from her, having no idea what I was going to say. All I knew was I wanted to take away that anguished look on her face and make things better somehow.
“Penny’s boyfriend?” her mom said. “I wasn’t aware that Penny had a boyfriend.”
“Oh, she has a boyfriend, alright. We do all the boyfriend stuff.”
“Boyfriend stuff?”
“Yes, ma’am. Listen, Eileen—is it okay if I call you Eileen? Penny mentioned your name is Eileen—Eileen, I was thinking of bringing a spiral ham as our contribution to the dinner proceedings. How does that sound to you?”
“A spiral ham?”
“You bet! I bring a spiral ham to every occasion.”
“Isn’t a spiral ham more of an Easter protein? This is a Christmas celebration.”
I gotta give this lady credit, she’s engaging with me on a moment-to-moment basis, which I appreciate. Maybe there’s hope here yet.
“With all due respect, ma’am, fuck no. Spiral hams are an everyday party protein. Unless it conflicts with the proteins you’ve already planned? Because I wouldn’t dream of throwing an undesirable kink into your menu. Only desirable kinks for me and the ones I love, ya know?”
She sputters, but doesn’t get any actual words out.
Mission accomplished. I am keeping this lady on her toes. I’ve met people like her before. The way I figure, as long as I keep her guessing, she won’t feel comfortable enough to rag on Penny.
“No, I, uh, I think a spiral ham will be fine, Matt. You said your name was Matt, right?”
“I sure did, Eileen. Well, this has been fantastic. So glad we could connect. Penny sends her love, and so do I. We’ll see you Sunday at six!”
“What are you smiling about?” Penny asks.
“Just happy to be doing this with you.” I look out the window as we officially exit the city and merge onto the highway. “You know, I should really take more road trips. This shit is fun! Look at us. You at the wheel. Me holding a ham. It’s like we’re starring in our own sexy road trip buddy comedy.”
“A sexy road trip buddy comedy?” Her eyebrows lift while she merges onto the highway.
