Page 36 of Santa Has a Six-Pack
“Ya kinda did,” he mumbles under my hand.
I release my grip on him. “Whatever. That was a slip.”
“Seems you slip a lot when it comes to Penny.”
“Yeah, well, it won’t happen again.”
“Sure, it won’t.” He smirks.
We reach the tent where they hold the talent. Apparently, I’m “talent” now. “Can you listen to me for a minute, please? Or are you set on mocking me?” My voice gets more serious than I intend it to.
“Sorry. Yeah, man, of course I can listen.”
I take a breath. “This Santa gig is uncharted territory. All the attention when people are watching me work out in the sporting goods department, or even on that float just now, is one thing, but having people sit on my lap? Telling me their wish lists? I dunno. It feels way too intimate. It feels like I’m setting myself up for some shenanigans.”
“Since when do you say the word shenanigans?”
“Felt appropriate. Let me live.”
“Matt.” He slaps a hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah?”
“I’ve known you for over a decade at this point.”
“Poor you,” I joke.
“Thank you. It’s been rough.”
I laugh.
“And despite your occasional Penny-induced sexually charged verbal vomit…”
I wince. “Please don’t combine the words sexual and vomit.”
“…you are the classiest guy I know.”
“Ha! That’s a stretch!”
“True. Let’s try that again. You are a… decent guy who I can almost tolerate. How’s that?”
I nod. “Much more believable, yeah.”
Eugene continues, “What I mean is, I know you, dude. You’re a stand-up guy. I have full faith you’ll handle this lap-sitting situation with the same class and panache that you handle everything else.”
“What the hell does panache mean?”
“Fuck if I know,” he says.
“Thanks.” I laugh. “That helps. Anyway, it’s probably ridiculous to be worried. Penny’s my handler, right? Something tells me she’ll run a tight-ass ship.”
“You want to ride Penny’s ass ship, huh?” a feminine voice trills from behind me.
I turn and find Keira and Penny standing under the tent a few feet away.
Penny looks like her head is about to explode. “What the hell did you just say?” she says to her friend.
Keira is beaming. “I said?—”
