Page 119 of Composed
I’m not sure when it finally hit home that my parents didn’t like me—let alone love me—but it was somewhere in my very early childhood.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been hit, never been left to starve. The bills are always paid, the cupboards stocked. But there’s been no love in this house.
I’ve never known anything other than resentment from the two people who are supposed to cherish me more than anything else in the world.
“Did you know that parents hug their kids when they come home for the summer?” I ask my mum, tears pricking my eyes. She doesn’t say a word. “Do you know what I got when I walked through that door? A big fat fuck you for daring to show my face.”
She shakes her head. “Your dad loves you.”
“My dad hates me.” I swipe a hand under my nose, a bitter laugh crawling up my throat when I realise she didn’t even try to defend herself. Never herself. Only ever him. “And the worst part? I don’t fucking blame him. Because why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t you both hate me? I’m the reason it all fell apart, right? You had me and it all went to shit, because everything I touch breaks.”
A choked sob tears from my chest. “You two have taken great fucking joy in reminding me of that every day for the last eighteen years. That if I wasn’t here, that if you’d just done therightthing and got rid of me, then everything would be okay.”
She presses a shaky hand to the counter.
“Why didn’t you get rid of me?” I blare.
Not a word from her mouth.
I push. “Why didn’t you get rid of me? Why didn’t you just have an abortion?”
“Because I needed you to keep him!”
Her words crack through the air like a whip, stealing my breath as my world tilts.
I stumble back, sharp pain shooting up my spine when my back hits the door handle.
My mum slaps her palms against the counter and kicks the stool out from beneath her.
“He was leaving,” she shouts, her arms going wide as she spins to face me. “His bags were packed, the tour bus already loaded, and I couldn’t bear the thought of him being out there without me.”
Every breath stings as they leave me.
She shakes her head, the most devastating look I’ve ever seen marring her face. “I loved him so much.”
I open my mouth, but words fail as I feel my heart crack. Staring into her eyes is like staring into a mirror. The same green as mine, but it’s not only that. I’ve said those same things about Cole.ToCole. That I don’t want to be without him. That the thought of living life without him is unbearable.
Pain lashes my gut and I hunch over.
A question rips from me. “Why not just let him go?”
“Because I wasn’t living without him.” Footsteps sound, followed by the creak of the door. It starts to swing shut as she hits me with a parting line, “You’ll understand one day, Hendrix.”
Chapter thirty-seven
Hendrix • Now
Remembering Sunday – All Time Low
AnychanceIhaveto talk to Cole about that not-quite-a-kiss is gone the second he pulls into the garage of their building and I spot Axel leaning against the door, arms folded, a smirk on his lips.
Cole kills the engine, his fist white-knuckling the gear stick. I open my mouth, only to snap it shut when the passenger door swings open.
“Well, hello you two,” Axel sing-songs. He leans over me and punches his thumb into the seat belt releaser, before tugging me free from the car and throwing an arm over my shoulder. “It’s movie night, Rix!”
“Movie night?” A muscle tics in my jaw.
Movie night is a tradition we started when Cole and I first started dating. It was just the two of us at first. Then, Saint barged his way in, with Carter and Axel joining the following week.
