Page 203 of Composed
“I was going to tell you.” I swallow as a low pulse starts in my temples. “After I spoke to my dad. I was going to come home and tell you everything. I just…” Shame coils in my gut. “I didn’t know how to tell you and not have you look at me differently.”
A bitter laugh escapes him. “Who do you think I am, Hendrix?”
Pain spears my chest at my name on his lips. I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s used it.
His board falls to the floor with a thud before he closes the distance between us.
A hand slides into my hair, tipping my head back as he drops his forehead to mine. Laboured breaths blend with mine.
“Who do you think I am?” he repeats.
Air lodges in my lungs when his eyes lock on mine. His pupils are blown, the hazel distinguished in the depths by the stark black staring down at me. My lips tremble.
I open my mouth but words fail me.
“When did I ever give you a reason to think I could look at you differently?” His lips ghosts over mine and I close my eyes.
“You left the house,” I breathe.
“Seriously? You think I left because I can’t handle your demons?” He releases my hair and steps back. “Fuck me.”
A tear falls. “So why did you?”
“Because you gave up on yourself for me!” he blares. “You gave up your dreams, your plans, ourfamilyall for me. And for what fucking reason?”
My voice shakes. “I couldn’t be the reason you didn’t get to have everything.”
“That wasn’t your choice to make.” He rakes a hand through his hair as rain slicks it. “You threw away ten years for nothing. We were gonna make it. We were always gonna make it. You just didn’t believe in us enough. You didn’t believe inme.”
Ice sinks into my veins and I clench my hands at my sides. “You are the only thing I’ve ever believed in.”
He sucks in a harsh breath, his face falling.
“Then why, Rixie?” His words ring out like a plea in the air. “Why did you make me let you go?”
“Because I didn't know how to hold on and not drag you down with me!” A sob rips from my lungs.
I wrap my arms around my waist, fingers curling into the black cotton that smells of him.
“The two people who were supposed to love me unconditionally reminded me every single day that I wasn’t worthy of the life I was living. That if I just disappeared, everything would be better.”
His eyes slam shut, his breath ragged. “You never told me.”
“I wanted to.” My knees shake. “But you were always so … free. I just wanted to be free with you. I thought love meant resentment. That’s all I’d ever known. Until I met you.”
I move a step forward.
He takes one back.
“You made my world a brighter place by just existing,” I tell him. “I didn’t want to be the person that made your world darker.”
He widens the gap between us with another step. “But you did. Don’t you get that?”
I root myself to the spot, ignoring my tugging heart.
“Did you honestly think that I’d just forget you and everything would be sunshine and fucking rainbows because you weren’t around anymore?” He barks a brittle laugh and shakes his head. “Ten fucking years.”
Ringing pierces my eardrums, rain falling heavier around us as he spins and snatches up his discarded board, shoving it beneath one arm.
