Page 76 of Peregrine's Call
The men took the bodies away into the darkness, returning some time later. Robin wasn’t sure if it was minutes or an hour.
“I can’t believe you prayed for them.” Pierce’s voice came out of the shadowed woods. “They were enemies.”
“They were,” Tav responded in a lower, calmer tone. “And now they’re dead. The least we can do is say a prayer.”
They came into the circle of firelight. Tav said, “Pierce, I need to speak to Robin. Go and watch.”
“Watch for what?” Pierce asked nervously.
“I have no idea. That’s why we set watches.” Tav’s voice was stretched tight. “Now go. If you see something suspicious, yell. If someone attacks you, kill them.”
Pierce took a last look at Robin, then moved off away from the fire.
Tav moved closer to her. “How are you? Did you get struck in the fight?”
“No. I was just startled. No one hurt me.”
He kept watching her, his gaze intent. “You’re certain?” He laid his hands on her shoulders, then ran them along her arms, checking for injuries.
“I’m fine.”
“You killed people tonight.”
Robin raised her chin defiantly. “Not for the first time.”
“But never more than one, and never so close. I was there when you had to do that before. And I remember how you pretended you didn’t care then.”
He was right. She’d been in more than one fight that Octavian also been involved in. Alric and his fellow knights always seemed to get tangled up in each other’s troubles.
Robin always acted as if she didn’t much mind the blood, but that was pure reflex, a need to appear strong when all she wanted to do was collapse. Some part of Robin was adamant that she could never show any weakness, particularly after striking an enemy down, a feat that made most men—men on her side—look at her as ifshewere the enemy. At least Tav was speaking to her.
She said, “I got a clear shot, and I took it.” She was talking about every time she’d been forced to kill during a skirmish, but he took it to mean only today.
Without hesitation, Tav replied, “They would have killed you. Every one of them.”
“I don’t regret what I did. And I’d do it again. But…” She couldn’t stop her body from shaking. The attack was over, she told herself. Why was she so out of control? The face of the last man she killed—pallid and sweaty with fear—jumped into her mind.
“You can say it, Robin.”
“I’ll always remember the faces,” she whispered, hating herself for feeling so weak. Hot tears slid down her cheeks. “That man…I don’t have a name for him, but he’ll always follow me. Just like the other people I killed. Every time it happened, it was because I had to defend myself and the people fighting with me. But I wish I didn’t wonder if he had a family.”
Tav took her hands in his. “It doesn’t get easier,” he said.
Robin gripped his fingers, needing something to hold. “Do youseethe people you’ve killed?”
He paused for a long moment, then said, “Some of them. It’s different on a battlefield because you can’t always see what’s coming. But I always remember. I can close my eyes and relive every battle. I can smell and hear everything. Including the dead.”
“I hate it,” she whispered.
“You’re supposed to hate it. If you felt nothing, I’d be far more concerned about you. But you’ve got a good soul, Robin. That’s why it hurts you to hurt other people. Even when it’s your life or theirs.”
She buried her head in his chest, needing the shelter of hiding in his embrace. Her tears slowed as she took in Tav’s words. No censure, just acknowledgment of the horror. He understood, and he listened to her when she spoke about something that she’d never spoken of before. Not telling her she shouldn’t have taken part in the first place…as if she could ever stand by when she could do something instead.
Tav held her for what seemed like a very long time. Robin breathed in, growing calm. How odd that sometimes being close to him woke every nerve inside her, and other times, like now, he could soothe her without a word.
Her shivering subsided, and he told her she should try to sleep.
“I don’t think I can sleep at all tonight,” she objected even as she moved to her rolled-out bedding.
