Page 16 of Joy to the Earl
“Christ, that turns you on.”He smiled slowly.“You’re a woman with deeper needs than you pretend.”
“I’ve never pretended anything.”
“Oh, yes, you have.You pretend that you don’t need fulfillment from a man in bed.You pretend that you don’t mind the loss of your darling companion to her new man in Wales.You pretend that you could continue on your lonely widow’s path.But underneath that frosty exterior, you’re seething with unmet needs.And believe me, Joy, I’m going to be the one who meets them.I will meet them again and again until you won’t have any thoughts of any man or woman in the world besides me.”
Joy was almost breathless after that little speech, but she mustered her usual coolness and said, “Honestly, Douglas.You could’ve just told me that it would be a somewhat uncomfortable walk back.”
[section]
They returned to the inn and went their separate ways—neither of them wished to jinx their newly reforged bond.After finishing tea, Joy went up to her room and attempted to read her book.Unsurprisingly, she was completely distracted by the potential for…other activities later in the evening, and she kept reading the same paragraph over and over again, while precious candlelight burned low.
There was a knock at the door.She got up and walked to it, taking a deep breath and steeling herself to remain calm and not betray any nervousness about the fact that she was about to embark on her first affair.As a widow, there was nothing egregious about beginning a relationship, and of course, Douglas knew that she didn’t have previous affairs to refer to.But she wished to appear worldly and urbane, like a woman who was not at all surprised to see an ardent lover at her door at this hour in the evening.
She assembled her expression into what she hoped would be the picture of sensual expectation, and then opened the door.
“Won’t you come…?”Joy broke off when she saw that her visitor was not Douglas, but rather one of the innkeeper’s daughters.“Oh,” Joy said, not able to hide her surprise.“What is it?”
“I just wanted to let you know as soon as possible, ma’am,” Amelia said with a beaming smile.“The road north is clear!And while it’s very late, the moon is still nearly full and quite bright.But you will probably wish to stay until morning.”
Joy nodded dumbly, and then added some inane question about breakfast, as though that was what she was really worried about.Yes, of course, she would be traveling onward in the morning so that she could fulfill her obligation to spend the Christmas season with her distant cousin.
Then Wren appeared behind Amelia.“Isn’t it good news, ma’am?And with the roads opening up, Cullen thought it safe now to haul the carriage to the village blacksmith.He thinks it will be safe with the moon, but he wanted to know if I could come along to help him, should he need it.It would entail staying in the village till morning, but then we’d get the wheel repaired first thing…”
Joy closed her eyes.Really?The perfect solution to the problem of not enough beds, just in time for the solution to not be needed, because Douglas would surely be gone within the hour.
“Go ahead, Wren.I’m sure Cullen will appreciate your presence.Take some coin to pay for the repair and the lodging.”
“Oh, yes, ma’am.We’ll be back no later than midmorning.”
“Don’t rush,” she replied dully.After all, Joy would have a bed to herself, and nothing to do but feel alone.
Joy closed the door after both young women left and felt her heart drop into her stomach.News that the road was open again, or at least half of it was open again, was a rude awakening after these few short days of memories and dreams.She so badly wanted to understand what a life with Douglas might have looked like, even if it was only for one night.But he, unlike her, had a much more pressing desire to get back on the road.He wanted to return home, and with the road north now being accessible, he had little reason to wait until dawn.
Why should it be that fate was so unaccommodating to this particular pairing?Ten years ago, he had chosen another over her for marriage.And tonight, the night that they had finally admitted the feelings that had never entirely been extinguished on either side and furthermore had planned to make good on those feelings, suddenly the tiny, secluded world they inhabited rejoined the larger world.
She had to go and tell Douglas he was free.The innkeeper’s daughters were probably crying the news to literally everyone, but Joy told herself she had an obligation to share what she knew.Otherwise, she might be accused of keeping him ignorant simply so she could indulge her own desires.
When she knocked at Douglas’s door, he opened it immediately.And he was wearing his greatcoat and hat.
Her heart plunged further.Obviously, he was intending to leave soon, tonight.Possibly without even informing Joy of his plans.
“The road north is clear,” Joy said dully.“I just heard the news.I see you have as well, since you’re leaving.”
Douglas looked down at his outfit, then looked up at her in alarm.“What?No.I mean, I did hear the news, but I’m not leaving.I just helped my roommate load his horse with everything he needed for travel.He’sriding onward tonight, thanks to the moonlight, since he has but two hours or so to go before he reaches his destination.I was coming in, not going out.”
“Then you didn’t intend to leave?”Joy asked hesitantly.
“You mean, leave without telling you anything?Abscond into the night, leaving you without any gentlemen to appreciate your charms?Joy, do you think that I’ve learned absolutelynothingover the past ten years when it comes to being straightforward with you?”
“It’s just that I know you’re very eager to return home to your son.”And here Joy began to break down, unable to keep all of the feelings welling up in her from overflowing.“And it occurred to me that I am going to be denied you once again.And all I wanted was one night.But I don’t seem to be able to have even that.And I could never ask you to deny the person you love best what you have promised simply to dally with your long-lost…well, however it is you think of me.I realized how grateful I was for the storm, because it kept you near me and allowed me to admit a truth that I’ve been denying for the past decade.I’ve never stopped loving you.I was furious at you, and I think if anyone asked, I would’ve said that I hated you.But in my heart, I have known that you were the only man I’ve ever really wanted to be with.But the road is now clear, and you must go and fulfill your promise.We will go our separate ways and we will simply have to forget how close we might have come to indulging in this fantasy.”
“Joy, I’m not leaving.”To emphasize the point, he peeled off his greatcoat, and then flung his hat off.“I’ve no desire to risk the road at night simply to arrive few hours earlier.I am sure my son would rather that I return home late than return home a little early and in a coffin.”
“You shouldn’t joke about things like that.”
“I’m not joking at all.”
“You’re good man, Douglas.I wish I hadn’t spent a decade blaming you for all the unhappiness I felt.”
