Page 8 of Joy to the Earl
“I’m going home.The house I prefer to stay at most is near Coventry.”
Since that was not where his family was from, she assumed it must be a house that he owned with his wife.Though she would rather chew her own tongue off, Joy asked with icy civility, “Your wife is already there?”
“My wife died this past spring.”
“Oh, I am sorry!I didn’t know.”Sudden shame engulfed her.How petty she had been, while he was grieving.
“Why should you know?Our social circles have hardly overlapped lately.”His comment was wry, and there was very little grief in his tone, though grief was an odd thing, and people didn’t always display it.
Before she could offer more condolences in her surprised and awkward state, he volunteered, “My son is there, and I was very much hoping to spend Christmas Day with him, since it will be his first Christmas without his mother.”
“That must be difficult for any child.How old is he?”
“Eight this past October.Kit is—” Douglas broke off.“I shouldn’t bore you with praise of my child.I am well aware that every father thinks his boy is the finest creature in the world.”
“Your own father never fell into that camp.”She remembered Douglas’s parents, and in particular his father, the previous earl.He’d been a stern and exacting personality who always made it clear that Joy was never going to be good enough for his son, even though his own son was never going to be good enough for the family name.
Douglas gave a short laugh, and the sound stirred something in her chest.It had been a very long time since she’d heard his laugh, and a long time since she had been the one to make him laugh.
“Have you any children with your husband?”he asked.
“No,” she said, not bothering to hide the relief.“And indeed I have no husband anymore.He passed four years ago and I have been living the quiet widow’s life.”
“I wish I’d known.”
“Would it have mattered?”
He shrugged, the gesture barely visible in the dimness of the room.“I would have sent condolences.For what that would be worth.”
“I received a fair number of condolences.I must say that in the end they didn’t make much difference.”
“Other people’s words can’t do much to assuage grief,” he said, totally misapprehending the situation.
The fact was that she felt only the slightest amount of grief when her husband passed.He had been significantly older than she was, and even early on in their marriage, he’d made it clear that what he expected from a wife was a pretty face to grace his house and his arm when he went out, and a pliant and ever accommodating presence to act as a nursemaid and household manager.He grew ill about three years before his eventual passing, and it was the beginning of the end, though he was the last person to see it.She became his nursemaid in truth, as she found herself responsible for choosing his meals, then helping to dress him and undress him and bathe him and soothe his querulous attitude when their servants found it easier to disappear.
Becoming a widow meant that her days became suddenly wide open and utterly calm.It was such a change that it took her about a month to fully appreciate just how little time and attention she’d had for herself in those last few years.
Her husband had been a well-off gentleman.She found herself garnering attention from acquaintances and acquaintances of acquaintances, and sometimes rank adventurers.As a widow of means, she was assumed to be utterly desperate to have a man in her life, and be willing to pay for that man in one way or another.Instead, she found that no flirtation was as attractive as freedom.She resolved to never marry again, and indeed to largely ignore the entire idea of either courtship or a clandestine affair, which, as a widow, she would’ve been quite able to indulge in without censure from society.
“You weren’t happy,” he said.The words came softly, and were all the more surprising for it.
“No, I wasn’t happy.Not that it’s any business of yours.”
“I deserve that.I realize that you have no reason to believe that I am concerned for your well-being, but all the same it is true, and I am sorry that you were unhappy in your marriage.”He paused.“If it helps, I wasn’t happy either.”
“You didn’t marry for happiness.You married for financial advantage.”She sounded harsh as she spoke, and regretted the words.
“I did.But I believed that I was going to experience something like love and affection as well.I was very quickly corrected in my belief.”
“If you’re seeking sympathy from me, I will have to correct that belief as well.I could scarcely step outside that winter without hearing some person tell me how I missed out on a fine match and wasn’t it too bad that I’d have to wait before receiving a proposal.Everyone assumed that I had done something to turn you away from me.Everyone thought it was my fault.”
He shook his head.“I should have realized how cruel people could be.But I suppose I was too busy being cruel myself.”
She looked over at him in surprise.He noticed and turned his head to hers, and she couldn’t look away from his intense gaze.
He said, “I was an absolute beast to you.The truth was that I didn’t know what to say and so I said nothing.And it wasn’t fair to you.You deserved a full explanation, and really a warning.But it all seemed to happen so quickly, and I convinced myself that my decision was practical and sensible, and that as long as I didn’t see your face again, I wouldn’t regret it.”
“As I recall, you never did see my face again.You vanished from the social scene, even though the season hadn’t even truly begun that year.”
