Page 79 of To Crave Madly
I looked up and saw that we had indeed stopped in the middle of the floor.
“Are you alright?” Lori asked, worry adding a quiver to her words.
No. I was not alright. I was seconds away from losing my shit and claiming her in the middle of the training room. Audience be damned.
“Yes,” I said as panic started to burn in my core. I couldn’t trust myself around her. Not anymore. “I have to go. Excuse me.”
I left her in the middle of the room and turned and ran. Like a coward. She shouted after me, but I ran as fast as I could to the top of my tower. I needed to put some distance between us before I did something we would both regret. I couldn’t coerce her into the bond with me. It needed to be her decision. She needed to choose me, even though I knew I wasn’t worthy of her, that I was only worthy of the True Death I had so recently longed to seek. But she wouldn’t choose me. Why would anyone choose a monster?
Chapter 27
LORI
The door to the tower stood firmly closed in front of me. I was about to invade his space. It wasn’t exactly forbidden, more like an unwritten rule that you couldn’t go up there without being invited. And no one got invited. So, no one ever went up there apart from Jasper.
My hand trembled as I reached for the door. The handle was cold beneath my palm and I felt a moment’s hesitation. I was about to push this conversation with him, in his own territory, and it felt considerably like I was throwing myself at his mercy.
But dammit, we needed to talk about this. I refused to let him avoid the subject with me. Whenever the tension between us got too much, he just walked away and didn’t even give me a chance to talk about whatever this was between us. It was worse than having an elephant in the room. It was like an angry elephant covered in rainbow polka dots, tooting his trunk to twinkle twinkle little star. You couldn’t ignore it, but you had no idea what to do with it, either.
He’d left me in the middle of the training room while Fenris and Elissa looked at me with pitying glances. I’d seen the fear in his eyes, seen how tormented he’d looked, and I knew that whatever was between us was torturing him. And I couldn’t bear it anymore.
So, I squared my shoulders, checked I had my big girl panties on, turned the handle and stepped resolutely into the lair of the beast.
Ha. The lair of the beast? A nervous laugh bubbled past my lips. Yes, Jasper liked to grumble and bark orders, but underneath all that noise was a pussy cat.
Yeah, a pussy cat that could drain me in seconds. I shuddered; I wasn’t going to think about that. I was going to go up there and talk to him. Just talk. Even though I still had the insatiable desire to jump his bones every time I saw him. I mean, whatever this was, it was ridiculous. It was like every sensible thought vanished when he fixed those electric blue eyes on me and all I could think about was him and me. And doing things that involved fewer clothes. In my head, I knew it was some sort of bond, but I didn’t know enough about vampires to understand what it was. Jasper knew, but he wouldn’t talk about it with me. He just seemed to prefer sticking his head in the sand and hope it would all blow over. But I could see the restraint he was keeping his beast under. Hell, he wasn’t even feeding properly because he didn’t want to feed from anyone but me. It worried me that he was denying his beast something that would end up resulting in a catastrophic rampage. I’d seen the way Jasper controlled his darker side and I was terrified at what would happen if it ever got free rein.
A set of stairs disappeared into the darkness beyond the door and I was glad one of the things my demon brought to the table was great night vision. Those steps looked mighty steep.
“Jasper, I’m coming up,” I called into the darkness.Don’t eat me,I added as a silent prayer. It was a slow climb up the tight spiral stairs; they were narrow and uneven. I almost lost my footing a few times and, if it wasn’t for the rope hooked into the stone-cold walls, I’d probably be sporting some bruised shins. My demon might have great night vision, but she didn’t bring any added grace.
I was breathless by the time I reached the top. No wonder no one came up here; it took way too much effort. I took a moment to catch my breath, and took in the space that Jasper called his own. Despite this being a tower, the room was surprisingly large. Although, that could be down to the fact that there was barely anything in it. Apart from the bed, drawers and a few other belongings, this room didn’t even look lived in.
It was sad that Jasper had been on this earth for more than four hundred years and yet he owned nothing. This space was screaming with the absence of personal effects. It was heart clenching. How could anyone live like this?
He wasn’t here. I looked in every room, cupboard and alcove but he wasn’t here. I knew he was here somewhere; I could sense him. My eyes scanned the walls and then I saw it. A faint outline in the shape of a slim door, blended into the wall on the far side of the room. It looked like one of those secret doors that led to old priest holes or down secret passages. I figured this one probably led right to the turret.
I pushed it and great, there were more stairs. And of course, they were steeper and narrower than the last lot. A cool breeze drifted down the narrow passage, carrying the scent of Jasper with it. He was definitely up there. Probably brooding like some dark king in twisted torment as he stared over his domain. He really did nail the brooding look. A small smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as I thought about his stern brow; it really was one of my favourite things.
The top of the tower was a small circular room, bare except for a few cushions and throws piled by one of the walls. I guess he liked to come up here whatever the weather. There was a huge arched window that led out onto a small balcony and Jasper was standing casually, leaning against the railing staring up at the stars. My heart skipped a beat as my eyes settled on him. The familiar pull to be near him burning deep within me.
“You need to work on your stealth. I’ve heard quieter stampedes.” Jasper’s tone was quiet with sarcastic mockery, but I wasn’t trying to be quiet. I was just trying to be here.
“Well, it’s a good thing that wasn’t my intention, then,” I replied as I stepped out to join him. It was beautiful out here. The sky was clear and full of stars burning bright, their light hinting at the mystery of the unknown just beyond their reach.
“Jasper, we need to talk.” My voice was soft but firm. We needed to get a handle on this situation before something disastrous happened. We couldn’t avoid it any longer.
Jasper’s shoulders sank like they were burdened by the weight of the world. “I know. I just don’t want to hurt you.”
He turned to look at me and gone was the stoic mask he normally kept in place. Sadness poured from him with all the ferocity of a raging sea.
“Just talk to me, Jasper. I just want to understand.”
He tore his gaze from me and stared back up at the stars. I wondered if staring at the infinite wonder of the universe was easier than staring at me right now. I placed my hand on his and squeezed gently in what I hoped was a reassuring gesture. To my surprise, he rotated his wrist and interlaced his fingers with mine.
“You’ve no idea what I have done. What I am truly capable of.”
I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Then tell me. I'm here because I want to know. Because something is pulling us together. I might not understand what exactly, but I want to hear your story, Jasper.”
