Page 13 of To Crave Deeply
“Cassian, you’re not a monster.” She said it with such sincerity that I almost believed her.
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew what I’d done. What I still do.”
“I don’t care.”
I snapped. “You don’t care that I murdered an entire village? That I tortured people just for the fun of it? That I still do?”
She shrank back from me as my words finally sank into her thick skull.
“You don’t mean that.”
I closed the distance between her, pinning her to the wall so she had nowhere to look but my eyes as I whispered the words that haunted my dreams.
She gulped as I brought my face closer to hers, stopping when my lips were merely a whisper away. I wanted to taste her pain as she listened to my past. If she wanted to hear it, then she’d fucking hear it. “I do. I murdered them all. I killed an entire village out of nothing more than rage. I tortured their prince and princess for days, bringing them to the point of death over and over again until they were begging for it. And then I left their bodies swinging in the wind for the whole world to see, just like they’d done to my family.”
Hearing the words aloud brought all the sorrow to the front of my mind. I was prepared for her fear, her shock. I was expecting her to pull back in revulsion at my words. I was not prepared for the look of empathy or understanding that softened her features and I was definitely not prepared for the way I suddenly hungered for her acceptance of my past. She knew everything. Even Jasper didn’t know the extent of my sins. I’d just bared my soul to her, and I hadn’t realised how much I wanted her soft touch. How much I needed it.
Her hands cupped my face, and her gentle touch broke me.
***
LORI
The moment Cassian finally let his wall crumble had my heart clenching in agony for him. He always presented such a strong front that seeing him so broken in front of me had me reaching for him. The moment my hands touched his face, a sob was ripped from his chest. It was deep and guttural and full of all the pain he held himself back from feeling. His knees crumpled beneath him as the weight of his grief pulled him to the ground. I settled in his lap and held him tight.
I didn’t know the full extent of what had happened to him, but I would be here when he finally had the courage to face his demons. For now, I’d hold him and wait.
Minutes had passed when Cassian finally pulled back to look at me, his eyes rimmed with the tears of his pain. I caught a lonely tear with my thumb and wiped it away across the arch of his cheek.
“You shouldn’t choose to die because of this,” I said softly. “Don’t let it beat you. Don’t let it win.”
Cassian cast his eyes down in shame. “I’m not that man anymore. The one from the photograph with all the smiles. He died the same day as his family.”
“That’s okay.” He flicked his eyes back to mine, confusion bringing his customary scowl back into place. I traced the crease between his brows and smiled. “I happen to be quite fond of this version.”
An elegant eyebrow arched above those ice-blue eyes. “Really?
“Mmm-hmm.” I nodded as my hands trailed down to wrap around his throat. “There’s something dark and thrilling about you that sets my entire body on edge.”
“You shouldn’t want me. I’m no good for you. The only time I truly feel any connection to someone is when I’m causing them pain.”
“I call bullshit on that.” He growled in response, and I chuckled. “Oh, Cassian. When will you learn that trying to be scary won’t get rid of me?”
“Perhaps I should just have some fun with you in the basement?”
“And how are you going to do that?” I gripped his throat tighter, and his eyes darkened wickedly. “When you’re dead?”
“I guess we’ll never know.”
I could feel him pulling back from me, and I didn’t want him to give up on life. I wanted him to come back; if not for me, then at least to find peace. I was so close to persuading him to choose life that I didn’t want to lose him now.
“Come back with me.” He scowled and started to shake his head. “Come back with me and I’ll go to the basement with you. You can do whatever you want.”
He froze and I was glad I couldn’t feel my heart racing. He was tempted. I could see it in the hunger in his gaze. I wanted a chance to help him and if that meant having a session with him in his basement so I could understand his obsession with pain, then I was willing to do that.
“Lori… I don’t think—”
“There you are. You had me worried sick, sweetie.” Cindy, my caseworker, swanned around the corner like a woman on a mission. Her eyes fell to Cassian and her eyelashes gave a little flirtatious flutter. “And who is this hunk of handsome you’ve got yourself wrapped around?”
