Page 85 of To Crave Deeply
“Coward!” I spat.
He ignored my comment and continued to fade to dust. The wind tugged at the tendrils of my hair that had escaped my bun and his laugh echoed on the breeze.
“I’ll be waiting for you when you need me, little one. See you soon.” And with those final ominous words, he disappeared, leaving me alone in the middle of the square, wondering how the fuck I was going to explain this to the rest of the guys.
Chapter 26
FENRIS
Yesterday was a shit show. I’d watched Lori’s little interchange in the square, and when I’d found out who it was, I was pissed. Pissed and angry at him and at her. How was it possible that she could continually get into so much fucking trouble?
I had no idea what Mordecai had done to her, but it couldn’t have been anything good. Alec was in talks with de Santis, but everything he was learning wasn’t good news at all. I just hoped it wasn’t going to be as bad as what we all feared. That he’d sparked the change in her and that she would turn.
She didn’t deserve that. Didn’t deserve to suffer the pain of the change and to spend the rest of her days as a vampire if it weren’t a choice she’d made.
I missed her. I missed my friend and I had hoped that I’d be able to move on, but I couldn’t. Because I was a bad person.
I was unworthy.
I was weak.
I was…
I sighed. I was in deep shit.
I deserved to be punished, a hail of divine fire from above, for Camael to come and smite me, something,anythingdammit, because I was miserable, loathsome, and lusting after a woman I couldn’t have.
I’d had to escape, to break free of those confined walls where I could see and hear her all the time. I’d woken early and decided that I needed to punish myself with a brutal run. The night had been quiet since Mordecai had gotten what he wanted so I didn’t fear running into any straying souls.
My mind flipped back to that moment when I saw her in the square yesterday. We needed to talk about our situation, but I couldn’t face it. I was torn between losing her and needing to break whatever it was that was tying us together.
Why did she have to come back? I still couldn’t get over the fact that she’d come back from the dead. Part of me hated that she’d come back because it meant I couldn’t move past my feelings for her. I hated that weakness. My father was right. I was weak and a coward.
I’d been avoiding Elissa since Lori returned. I couldn’t even look at her. She was my fiancée, and I couldn’t even look into her eyes anymore. I couldn’t bear the look of resentment that was starting to grow in her gaze, the pain, and the sorrow that I put there. She deserved better than me. What could I give her? Nothing but a lifetime of regret and a broken heart.
I forced myself up to the top of the mountain, and my thigh and calf muscles screamed at me. Sweat dripped down my neck, shoulders, and back, my hair and clothes were soaked in the early morning rain and every breath felt like a punishment. The cold winter morning was brutal, and at the top of the mountain, the wind was a collection of sharp edges that clawed at my skin.
I loved it up here. I could see for miles, and the air was fresh despite the light rain. I closed my eyes for a moment, and everything bled away — the hatred I had for my father, the failures the team was facing, Lori Monroe.
Especially Lori. Especially her and the knowledge that the mere thought of her had me stiff and aching with need.
I was supposed to be true to Elissa, to think of her, not Lori. I shouldn’t be thinking of how Lori’s two front teeth sank into her bottom lip when she was deep in thought, or how I’d love to see those plump lips around my cock as it disappeared to the back of her throat. I should be focusing on Elissa, on planning the wedding. But I couldn’t, and I hated myself for it.
Guilt wormed its way through me. I was going to Hell, I thought, because as guilty as I felt, I didn’t know if I could control myself around her. Wait, that was a lie. A complete and utter lie. My fear was that I didn’t want to.
Shit, I was definitely going to Hell.
I ran back down the mountain, determined to push all thoughts of Lori away. I needed to focus on Elissa and stop looking at Lori. I had to stay away, a thought which made me depressed, but it was for the best. I needed to stop thinking about Lori when Elissa was planning our future. It was going to be a short period of unhappiness, but in the long run, I’d feel better.
I stopped at the edge of the base and slowed to a walk, feeling lighter now that I had a plan. It was going to be better now; everything was going to be fine.
“What are you listening to?”
That voice. That soft breathy tone that tortured me in my dreams.
I should have pretended I didn’t hear her, feigned ignorance and just ran past her. A stronger man would have, but I wasn’t a strong man. I was weak and the temptation was too great. I’d already pulled the buds from my ears and turned to face her before I’d even realised I’d done it. She was dressed for running, too, hair in a messy bun, sweat glistening on her skin but with a smile that could outshine the sun. I wondered if that was what she looked like after sex.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck,fuck.
