Page 26 of To Crave Deeply
And now, she was gone.
Or not completely here, at least. Levi was under the impression that, because Lucifer was still alive, she must be tied to him somehow. The terms of the soulbond state that they are one heart and one soul tied together, and Levi’s current theory is that if we can find a way of getting Lori’s soul back, we might be able to save her. I am not sure how we will get rid of Iveri, though. That was certainly a more troublesome issue. Especially since Levi thinks she’s a direct descendent of Iver, the first demon and Lucifer’s first creation.
Why was nothing ever easy?
The wind ruffled in my hair and the winter chill cooled my skin. I didn’t really feel the cold, but tonight felt different. Like there was something coming, and I wasn’t going to be able to stop it. I was just about to turn away and head inside when I heard something strange. There was a hum in the air and then the sound disappeared as if swallowed by the night, leaving nothing but silence. I looked over the balcony and saw two figures standing in the grass in front of the house. The mark on my chest prickled as it recognised its other half and I wondered what had brought them back so soon. This couldn’t be good. I needed to go down and find out, but I had to work up the strength to go down and look at the woman I loved without being able to touch her, kiss her or hold her in my arms. The thought was like a fucking knife through my heart, and I needed a moment to hold back the sheer fucking need to kill someone that was suddenly roaring through my veins. Without Lori, I’d lost that balance, and now I was just as unstable as the team I was supposed to lead.
Which was a bad fucking state to be in when the supernatural world was keeping me and the team under a microscope. I didn’t need this shit right now. Not one little bit.
***
LORI
The cool air swirled around me as we materialised in front of the base. It seeped into my skin, and I couldn’t hold back the shiver. It was dark here. The night, quiet. Normally, there was so much life around the base, there was always something happening, but tonight everything was still and silent, like even the night was mourning the loss of the sun. Only the moon shone brightly in the sky, steadfastly watching over those below.
The ones left behind after the losses we suffered at the Gathering.
I was cold. And it wasn’t just from the temperature. My grief was finally catching up with me. After coming back from the dead, fighting a demon, and playing politics with a witch, I was finally letting myself feel the loss. And it was nothing compared to how it felt in the afterlife. There, it had felt muted, and now that I was home, my heart broke a thousand times over, robbing me of my breath and settling the dark, painful thorns of grief deep in my soul until every thought was tainted with it.
I couldn’t even muster the strength to cry. Tears fell down my cheeks. They were the silent messengers that spoke of all the pain, the overwhelming grief, and the love I never got to feel. They spoke the words that I hadn’t let myself utter. That this mess was all my fault. And I would have to carry the guilt of that forever. I knew it wasn’t something that was going to just fade away with time. I would carry this until my heart gave its last beat, and my body gave its last breath.
Torsten hadn’t let me go yet and I appreciated his touch. It grounded me and stopped me from drowning in an ocean of my own making. A fresh wave of sorrow rolled over me and I stepped further into his embrace, the need to be held overwhelming me. Torsten flinched in surprise as I wrapped my arms around his waist and tucked my head under his chin. I wondered if he’d ever been hugged before, and my heart panged again. I would change that. I would make sure that Torsten knew how much he was coming to mean to me. After failing Cassian, I wasn’t going to let fear blind me from seeing what was right in front of me.
I pulled back and looked up at my Shadow Fiend. He was so much taller than me, I had to crane my neck back to meet his gaze. There were still a few inches between the top of my head and the bottom of his chin because he was so tall. But I felt safe standing here, like I was being protected by an immovable mountain and he would defend me against any enemy I faced.
“Are you alright?” he asked, his voice deep and soft, like a whisper on a breeze.
“No, not really,” I sniffed.
He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, a gesture full of patience and understanding. “Can you tell me what happened?”
My stomach rolled. Could I? Could I utter the words aloud that would change the way the people would look at me? Did I have the strength to own my failure? Only one way to find out.
“He wouldn’t come back. I tried… but he wouldn’t…” My words trailed off as my breath spluttered and sobs crawled out my throat with a vengeance after I had held them back for so long.
Torsten said nothing but just pulled me back into his arms while the tears overflowed.
“Cassian was a fractured soul who had suffered a great deal. In death, he will find some of the peace he is looking for.”
I couldn’t find comfort in Torsten’s words. Not yet, anyway; everything was still too raw. Too overwhelming. Too visceral. But in time, I hoped I would believe them.
After a few moments, I pulled myself out of Torsten’s arms and took a deep breath. It was time. I needed to face the team and tell them all that had happened. I needed to find out about Lucifer, and what we were going to do about Camael and the angels. Not to mention the fact that we still had to rescue the missing witches and find out why the mages were involved. There seemed to be so many strings and they were all in a tangled mess. It was going to take forever to untangle them, and I needed help. I needed my team.
I turned on my heel, squared my shoulders and stepped back into the base that I now called home.
It was quiet. My footsteps echoed across the foyer as my boots hit the floor. Each one sounded as empty and hollow as the space Cassian left in my heart.
“Back so soon.”
I heard that dark, commanding voice and my feet stopped. My eyes searched the shadowed corners by the staircase, and I found electric blue eyes watching me, waiting for me, and my heart raced. And then I remembered: he was expecting Iveri, not me.
He didn’t know I was back yet, and I had a moment to stare openly at the suffering I could see etched in the lines of his face. As he stepped out of the shadows, I saw the grim line he’d pressed his mouth into, the dark circles swathed under his eyes and the hollowness set into his cheeks and I knew he hadn’t been feeding. He wasn’t feeding because he was mourning. He was mourning me, and I didn’t want to waste another second.
I ran across the hall and threw my arms around him. I jumped up and wrapped my legs around him, trying to get as much of my body against him as I possibly could. I didn’t think I’d see him again and now I just wanted to breathe him in. I buried my face in his neck and the mark on my chest burned as it recognised its other half.
I pulled back, just so I could look deeply into his eyes, and an overwhelming sense of being home washed over me.
Jasper trailed a finger along the length of my cheekbone, a look of disbelief flickering in those bright eyes of his, and his breath hitched. “Lori?”
