Page 87 of To Crave Deeply
Her eyes widened at my words, and I felt her sudden fear rolling off her in waves. I was an agitated mess, and I was one look, one word away from falling over the edge and doing exactly what I wanted to her, consequences be damned. My blood simmered in my veins as she looked at me with hunger in her eyes. I was burning for her, every part of my body and soul was desperate for her and I didn’t trust myself to stay away. I didn’t trust myself one little bit.
“You need to stay away from me, Lori.”
“Don’t you think I know that!” she yelled, her eyes wild and incensed. I could see she was just as close to snapping as I was. “Don’t you think I punish myself every day knowing that I could be the reason I ruin your life? Every time I look at you, I’m torn. I want to be selfish and claim you for my own, but then I look at Elissa and I scream inside because if I have you, I’ll ruin you. I will shred everything and destroy not only my relationship with you, but the one I have with Elissa, too. She’s my friend, and I hate that I feel this way.”
Her outburst lingered in my mind long after she finished speaking. I didn’t know that she felt so guilty. That there was so much of it swimming in her mind every time she looked at me. I was confused, and angry, but I was also somehow grateful. That I wasn’t the only one who felt guilty. I wasn’t the only one suffering.
I didn’t know what to say, so I said the words of a coward. “I should go.”
“You can’t just turn your back on this.”
She was right. I knew she was right, but it didn’t stop my traitorous feet from walking away from her.
“Don’t go,” she called from behind me, but I resolutely put one foot in front of the other and walked down the tree-lined avenue back to the base. I heard the gravel crunch beneath her feet as she caught up with me, and before I knew it, she was in front of me, seething like a spitfire. I deserved it. I deserved her anger.
“Why are you walking away? We need to talk about this. We need to fix this.”
I let out a bark of joyless laughter at that. “There’s no fixing this. We are way past the point of being merely friends. And you know it.”
“No. I don’t believe that. Tell me we can work through this,” she pleaded desperately, and it took all my willpower not to cave into her demands.
I needed her to stay the fuck away from me. It was callous and malicious, but she needed to learn. I forced her back to the tree, my every intention to scare her away and to make sure she listened to the words coming out of my mouth, but the closer I got to her, the harder it became to stay true to my intentions.
I braced my hand on the sharp bark of the tree next to her head, enjoying the sting of the edges as they bit into my hand. The pain grounded me and as I stared deep into those demonic eyes, I found the strength to utter the words I’d been holding back.
“Look at me,” I pleaded, and her eyes searched my face. “No.Lookat me.” I dipped my chin and her eyes trailed down my torso before her mouth parted in a gasp. She stared openly at me, at the evidence of my response to her and shame and guilt coiled in my gut even as my lust for her grew.
My voice dropped low, and I couldn’t stop the acidic bite that wrapped around my words. “I want you, Lori. And I hate that I want you. I hate that you’re my first and last thought every day. That I can’t bear the thought of being able to see you but not touch you, especially when you’re so close to me. But I won’t be that man that breaks a promise. I can’t. However much I want to, Iwon’tbe that man.”
She whimpered as her eyes swam with tears, and I felt like a brute for making her cry, but she needed to see the futility of it. We were never meant to be.
“Fenris… I just wish things were different.” I heard the resignation in her voice, and she finally understood what I was trying to say. She took a deep breath that left those lips that haunted my dreams with a shaky exhale, and it took everything within me not to lean down and taste it.
“So do I,” I replied in a quiet voice. “I hope that one day we can be friends.” I hated those words as they left my lips because they were a lie. A barefaced fucking lie that Lori encouraged.
“We’ll be friends, Fenris. And that will be enough.”
I let out the breath I was holding, and I liked hearing her words even less than I liked saying them. I gave her one last look and then turned my back on her and walked away. She didn’t stop me this time. She let me leave her beneath the tree with my lies and shredded dreams. I would never have her. And I would never be whole.
Chapter 27
LORI
My life was quietly falling apart. Jasper was in the clutches of a mad vampire, Lucifer was still dying, and Fenris hated my guts. I thought dying had sucked, but living seemed to be so much fucking worse at the moment. The way I was currently feeling, I think death would have been preferable.
The worst thing was, I couldn’t take the pitying looks from the team. It was like they knew something I didn’t. Something bad. And they wouldn’t tell me. So here I was, curled up in Jasper’s bed in the tower, missing him and the others and throwing myself one Hell of a pity party.
There was a soft knock at the door before Rae entered. She took one look at me before curling up in the bed next to me and pulling me into a deep hug. The tears overflowed. I hadn’t realised how much I’d been holding back until she’d shown me that little bit of comfort and love.
I cried for what felt like forever but Rae, like the sweetheart she was, held me through it all. When I finally got through the other side of my cathartic release, I sat up and sniffed.
“What am I supposed to do, Rae? How can I fix this?”
“Oh, babe. You’re not on your own. We’re all here to help.”
I sniffed again. “But there’s so much to do. I need to save Jasper, stop Lucifer from dying, put Alec’s heart back, and somehow sort this whole mess with the original three out. I’ve still no idea where Iver is. And what should I do about Iveri?”
Rae fixed me with a firm stare. “Yes, that’s a big to-do list, but like I said. You’re not on your own. For now, the Conclave seems to be safe—”
