Page 8 of To Crave Deeply
Even when he was slightly transparent, he was still breathtakingly beautiful in an I-will-cut-you kind of way. His high cheekbones were sharp enough to cut granite and those dead eyes of his stared at me under his deeply furrowed brow. The guy looked fucking lethal and yet, as he stood there, clearly a soul and therefore dead just like me, I couldn’t hold back the manic laughter that bubbled to the surface as I looked at him.
“Well, fuck me sideways, Cassian. How the Hell did you end up here?”
He groaned. “Of all the holding centres in the afterlife, how the fuck do you end up in the same one as me? How could I possibly be unlucky enough to be stuck with you in the afterlife?”
Ooh, ouch. I knew the guy didn’t like me, but hearing that was a real punch to the gut. “Jeez, Cassian. I’m sorry. Should I have just left you to die alone? Ignored you instead of saving you?”
His arms folded across his chest, and I didn’t miss the way his ghostly biceps strained under the tight cotton of his plain t-shirt.
“I didn’t ask for you to save me. Why couldn’t you just let me be?”
God, this man was frustrating. He really didn’t get it, did he?
“Because I care about you! Because, for some reason, I find it impossible to stay away. Because even though you continually push me away, snarl at me and try to deliberately hurt my feelings, I still can’t let you be!” I spat the words at him, all the anger and frustration driving me to march up to him and throw my words in his face. I was sick of him treating me like I didn’t matter, like I was to be avoided at all costs, because now, I was dead. I gave up my life because I tried to save him, and he didn’t even seem to care.
“Well, you shouldn’t!” he roared. His eyes blazed with hatred and his nostrils flared as his anger filled the room like an unwanted guest. “I don’t want you to. I hate that every time you look at me, there’s this little flicker of pity and hope burning in those dark eyes of yours. I can’t stand the way that I can tell how much your body hungers for mine or how your heart beats that little bit faster when you know my attention is on you. But worst of all, I hate that I fucking notice. I loathe the way my dragon claws at me from the inside, begging me to take you, to make my mark on you and claim you as mine. But I won’t. I won’t ever take a mate and I will never give in to you.”
The air left my lungs in a rush at his words. There was so much anger and venom in them that my heart clenched at his pain, and it robbed me of my breath. Hearing how he felt about me so clearly had tears welling in my eyes. I knew he didn’t like me, but shit… Even for Cassian, that was fucking cold, but I knew it wasn’t me he was entirely angry at. I could see the nightmare behind his eyes. I’d tasted it and experienced all that rage, sorrow, and grief as if it were my own.
He’d been trying to teach me to use all my skills in a combat session and my Sin Reaper had woken up and taken over, forcing me to feed from him. She’d latched on to all his suffering and consumed the dark energy that fuelled all those painful memories. Even now, I could still taste the depth of his grief. It was like ash in my mouth.
And then I’d found that old photograph of his family and I knew he’d lost them, but the depth of his despair didn’t become apparent until we’d all gone to that stupid Yule Gathering. They’d announced him as King Cassian the Third and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, he’d lost everything.
I could see it in his eyes — his beautiful, cold, unfeeling eyes that tried to hide so much. When I first met him, I thought they were emotionless, but I just hadn’t had a chance to stare at them long enough. If I looked really hard, if I was determined enough to try, I could see behind that mask and find the secrets he tried to keep hidden. He wasn’t emotionless at all. Yes, he was cold, and he could be a complete and utter prick. But behind that mask was a scared soul, trying to find atonement for the sins and shame of his past. I didn’t know what he’d done, but I knew that I didn’t want him to keep suffering for it.
So, he could shout and scream as much as he wanted because I wasn’t going anywhere. Even in the afterlife. I cared about him, and the sooner he got used to that, the better. We might end up being stuck together for all eternity, for cripes sake.
I stood on my tiptoes and, before he could pull away, I wrapped him in a fierce hug. I heard his gasp, and a smile crossed my face. I always loved it when I managed to catch him by surprise.
“Cassian, I know you’re just trying to scare me away but it’s not going to work. I can’t just suddenly stop caring because you throw a little tantrum. Just know that you’re not alone and I’ll be here for you when you’re ready.”
I’ll be honest, it was like hugging a statue. He was completely and utterly stiff and uncomfortable, but at least he wasn’t pushing me away. I’d count that as a small victory.
***
CASSIAN
Fuck. She was hugging me. And I didn’t know what to do with that. I was a mess. I was angry, upset, scared, and fucking pissed off at the world but most of my confusion centred around this five-foot-three bundle currently wrapped around me like a boa constrictor. She’d put herself in harm’s way for me. Fuck, she’d died trying to save me and I had let her.
I could have healed myself from that wound, but I’d chosen not to. I wanted to die so I’d let my body go past the point of healing. And then she’d gone and taken on that stupid angel herself and died. She’d fucking died for me, and I didn’t know how to handle that.
I was horrible to her, nasty even, and yet she still kept coming back for more. Which either meant she was a glutton for punishment, or my dragon was pulling her towards me, and she couldn’t fight it. My dragon and I definitely needed to have words about that. He might want her, but I didn’t. I just couldn’t face losing her or the grief that would come with it. The thought of having to suffer like I had in the past… I just couldn’t even bear to think about it.
“Lori,” I said softly, almost tenderly, which surprised me a little. She pulled back to look at me and I almost lost myself for a second in those beautiful eyes of hers. “I wish you hadn’t given yourself up for me. I’m not worth it.”
She flinched at my words, clearly remembering the moment she’d flung that exact phrase in my face. She’d been right; I wasn’t worth it. I was far too broken and far too damaged to save.
Her face morphed into a serious expression, her brow dipped low, and her sassy mouth formed a pout that I had a sudden desire to taste. She was adorable when she was angry, and all riled up.
“Cassian, if I didn’t think you were worth saving, I wouldn’t have jumped in front of that angel for you. I literally bet my life on it.”
“Yes, and now look at you. You’re dead. And so am I.”
Her hands flinched on my waist, but she still didn’t let go. If anything, her grip tightened as if she refused to let me go.
I placed my hands on the column of her neck. In life, I’d loved to feel the way her pulse beat rapidly as I made fear and adrenaline come alive in her system. Now, I felt nothing but the cool translucence of her ghostly shell. “You need to let me go, Lori. You need to move on.”
She heaved a sigh of frustration and scowled at me. If I weren’t holding her in place, I think she’d have stepped back and slapped me. I loved that she was a little spitfire, willing to play dirty with me. It had my mind running a thousand miles a minute at all the fun we could have in my basement. Well, could have had. I suppose I’d never know now.
