Page 103 of Wilder at Heart
‘I don’t think I’m ready for this conversation,’ I breathe out.
‘Tough. You need to hear it.’ His voice is school-teacher-y. He looks surprised by his own tone.
I take an enormous glug of wine. God knows, I need it. The alcohol burns my throat as I swallow it in one.
‘I had a chat with Theo.’ He pauses. ‘It was… enlightening.’
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I can’t avert my eyes from this car crash.
Jonathan plows on, awkwardness leeching from his very pores. ‘He told me he thought you still had feelings for me—that maybe you still, you know. Loved me.’
He didwhat?Theo told Jonathan this? When? My jaw drops open. My head spins, Theo’s words on my brain.
I’ll help you get him.The look in his eyes when he said that to me. But I didn’t expect him to advocate directly with Jonathan on my behalf.
Jonathan’s face is utterly serious. ‘Is that true?’ he asks quietly.
Kill.
Me.
Now.
I’ve fucked up so badly. I can’t begin to pretend here. Can’t bear it. I have to set things straight.
‘No.’ I shake my head vehemently. ‘No, I don’t love you anymore, Jonathan. I’m sorry—I thought I did, maybe, but I don’t. Not in the slightest. Sorry.’
He slumps forward, his head in his hands.
‘Thank God.’
Thank—what?‘What?’I huff out a sigh of disbelief. My hands are shaking. Did he just thankGodthat I don’t love him anymore?
‘Nor. The guy’s totally in love with you. He threw himself under the bus for you. Told me he thought I had another chance with you, if I wanted it.’ He raises his head. Leans forward. ‘But he was in fucking pieces. He wascrying, Nor. When he said it. He was an absolute mess—said he wasn’t good enough for you. Couldn’t give you what you wanted, so if I thought I could, I should go back to you and beg you for another shot. Because you deserved to have everything you wanted. And I’d left you that stupid, drunken message, telling you he was bad news, basically. I wanted to come and tell you how wrong I was. He may have been a bit of a dick when we were at uni, but as far as you’re concerned, he’d do anything for you.’
Theo. Going to Jonathan, whom he despises. Telling him to give us another shot. Andcryingover it? Crying overme? Could it be possible his feelings for me go beyond physical attraction?
‘But I—he’s going to New York. And he didn’t say anything.’
I look at Jonathan as if he’s the grown up in the room. As if he can miraculously supply me with answers. But he just shrugs awkwardly. Clearly, playing agony aunt to his ex is a bridge too far.
‘I mean, I’m sure if you two are in love, you’ll figure it out.’
Evelyn said something similar about her and Angus. I’m sure of it.
‘But you don’t understand, Jonathan—Theo talks about all this stuff. He says whatever comes into his head. He doesn’t hold back. If he’d had feelings for me, he would’ve said something.’
‘Look.’ He takes a weary sip of wine. ‘You know him better than I do. But maybe it’s easy for him to talk about things when the stakes are low, and less easy when the stakes are high.’
Could he be right? I cast my mind back to all my conversations with Theo. His relaxed, take-it-or-leave-it attitude to sex in the early days. I was so envious of that attitude. But the last few days we were together, something shifted. He closed up verbally, but latched on physically. I questioned him about it, I did, and he assured me everything was fine.
And I took him at face value.
Ignored my instincts.
‘Did he not say anything to you?’ Jonathan persists. This is seriously odd, having a conversation with my ex about my love life.
He did say something.
