Page 5 of Wilder at Heart
But still.
The editing was brutal.
Charmed in ChelseaSeason One aired in one go on streaming platform Azure earlier this week, and my Trixie-and-Dixie-fest has been the single most talked-about storyline of the whole shit-show. I signed up toCharmed—reluctantly, I might add—to increase profile for my businesses, especially for my NFT art marketplace and gallery, to attract funding and to show my family I’m truly worthy of running with a slice of our hotel portfolio. Unfortunately, I’ve emerged looking like a kinky playboy.
As an aside, being painted as a kinky playboy has its advantages. I discovered this last night when I went out in Knightsbridge and wasmobbedby women. Usually, I get the minor aristocrats looking for a husband who actually has money—someone who can afford to re-roof their leaky castles every few years. Last night they gave me a wide berth and the ones like a moth to a flame were those who actually liked the idea of me being a dirty bastard.
Hmm. Definitely a helpful development for my sex life. Though I’m aware I’ll have to keep my encounters discreet for the time being.
‘It’ll blow over.’ I sound far more confident than I feel. ‘It’ll be old news by next week.’
‘Either way,’ Miles says, ‘it’s plain unhelpful, Theo. You keep saying you’re ready to step up. I just don’t see it. Here we are’—he gestures to him and Mum, united across the table from me—‘working our arses off to keep the Montague brand on the front foot. We’re revamping the whole portfolio, bringing the older hotels into the twenty-first century. We’re building. Acquiring. Expanding. And from where I’m sitting, you’re fannying around on excruciatingly trite TV shows and shagging anything that moves.’
It’s so fucking unfair. I open my mouth to say so, and he stops me with a hand.
‘You keep saying you’re ready to step up, but frankly, I don’t see it. Sure, you’re doing a good job with the gallery and the wine stuff. A really good job. We all know you’re far from stupid. But being at the helm of this ship we’ve built isn’t just about business acumen. It’s about sacrifice. Strength of character. Foresight.Judgment.
‘And anyone who allows himself to get completely arseholed in front of a bunch of TV cameras, for fuck’s sake, and then allows them into his flat with not one buttwowomen, is decidedly lacking in anything approaching judgement.’
He sits back in his chair and fixes me with his trademark stony glare. I want to punch him in that smug face. I really do. And yet, the galling thing is I totally agree with him. I’m the mutinous toddler, again, despite being able to plead a plausible case for why our family dynamics have made me that way.
I can’t deny that cavorting around Chelsea on camera, a titled (and entitled) blonde on each arm, may make me a hero in the eyes of some guys and a target for legions of women. But in the eyes of my family it makes me a laughingstock.
Nothing more.
It’s time for a rethink.
Besides, however tempting it is to get defensive, to throw my toys, Miles and Mum won’t warm to that. Miles especially. He’s always been the over-competent and confident first-born, ruling our parents’ hearts for the first eight years of his life and consoling Mum through several miscarriages until I finally showed up. And the thrill at a second son was short-lived when, against all odds, Stephen showed up a mere thirteen months after me.
It’s the most basic law of middle children: do whatever it takes to get attention. Miles has always achieved, effortlessly,spearheading The Montague Group’s incredible growth in recent years. Stephen is one of the good guys. I mean, he really is. He’s a fucking teddy bear, and he and his equally lovely wife, Margot, have already given Mum and Dad twin granddaughters. He’s a successful chiropractor, having happily eschewed any part of the family business in favour of helping his fellow humans.
And me?
I’ll let you know when I figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do in this family.
But I’m smart enough to know that while I figure it out, I’d better smooth things over here. Mum and Dad don’t deserve this grief, and Miles won’t hesitate to freeze me out. Cooperation, or perceived cooperation at least, are the only way forward for the time being.
I put my hands up in surrender.
‘It was a dick move. I get it. I’m sorry, Mum. Momentary judgement lapse. But I do get it. I know you don’t think I do, but I do. I’ll do better from now on.’
Miles is clearly expecting more of a pushback from me. He nods. He may be a prick, but he’s a fair one, and to his credit, he doesn’t hold grudges.
‘Good. Let’s move on. Keep your head down, okay mate?’
Mum rises and steps around the table. She bends and kisses my forehead, her hands framing my jaw. ‘Apology accepted. It’s a life lesson, Theo. Perception is reality. And there will always be people who want to tear us down. Who resent anyone who’s built success for themselves, brick by brick. When they go low, we go high. Got it?’
She tips my face up and I resist the urge to roll my eyes, because Mum doesn’t just spout Michelle Obama-isms for appearances. This kind of shit is genuinely a mantra for her to live by. And she’s a sweetheart, and she doesn’t deserve her arsehole sons.
‘Got it.’ I smile as she squishes my face as if I’m five, not thirty.
‘Good boy. You’re so handsome. I just wish we could find you a lovely girl. Someone appropriate.’
I snort as she releases me. ‘Miles married someone highly appropriate and look where that got him.’
It’s a low blow, but it’s true. Miles married a narcissistic socialite from hell, Allegra, who was as entitled as she was hot, and she absconded to the US a couple of years ago, leaving him and my gorgeous little niece, Bea, to fend for themselves. It was unforgivable. Thankfully, he’s since fallen head over heels for, and proposed to, Bea’s nanny, Saoirse, who is Stephen-and-Margot-level sweet and so fucking ravishing I could barely take my eyes off her when Miles introduced us.
If anyone can save Miles from disappearing up his own arse, it’s Saoirse. You could argue his daughter’s sweet, Irish,normalnanny was not the most obvious match for Miles Montague to make, but I’m just glad he saw sense after Allegra and did a full one-eighty on his taste in women.
