Page 97 of Lily In The Valley
I rolled my eyes, then drew a straight line across the page. “There.”
“Kelly, stop fighting it. If you’re going to waste our time, you can leave.” She stared at me, challenging me with her eyes.
I nodded for her to continue, turning the page.
“I’m going to ask you again, and when I do, hold my eyes, and scribble.” She waited for me to hold the marker upright before she asked, “What did it feel like to hear your parents fighting through the walls?”
Scratch, scratch, scratch. I held her gaze as my hand moved across the page in tight, erratic spirals. I didn’t stop until the marker snagged the edge of the page. I turned the page.
“What did your mother teach you about silence?” My shoulders tensed, but her eyes held mine captive. I scribbled harder, jagged lines overlapping, a growing storm on the page. “What do you wish your father would’ve done differently?” I hesitated. My heart raced. My ears were hot. My head spun, my eyes burned. I tried drawing an actual shape. A square. The marker never connected the four lines. It stabbed the paper over and over until the paper tore. She walked over and took in the pages, the scribbled lines written so forcefully they bled into the pages underneath.
“I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer with the first thing that comes to your mind.” I nodded. “Where in your body do you feel that rage?”
“My chest,” I snapped. “And my hands.”
“Then let them move.”
I exhaled as she brought over a second, larger sheet of paper. Thick art paper. The kind Nessa had me carry with her to one of her art classes. Said she favored the brand because it held up no matter how much watercolor was applied. Never tore. Never crumbled. Ms. Reece taped it to the wall behind me.
“Stand up.”
I did, slowly, heart pounding.
“Don’t make it pretty. Just release.” I stood in front of the paper, marker in hand, waiting for her next series of questions. “What did it cost you to pretend you weren’t angry?”
My whole body jolted. Tears sprang. I gripped the marker like a weapon as I turned to Ms. Reece.
“I didn’t pretend,” I said, voice trembling. “There wasn’t a point when it’d happen again.”
Ms. Reece stepped closer, gently but firmly. “That’s not true, Kelly. You wanted peace so bad you buried yourself to get it.”
My vision blurred. “I had to! If I let it out it’d be a house full of people arguing. Over nothing. I would’ve destroyed everything.”
“You were a child. Not a bomb.”
The marker dropped from my hands. I took a step back, breathing heavy, my arms shaking.“Whatever comes up today, let it. Don’t try to be strong. Just be real.”
“I hate them. I hate them,” I whispered. “And I hate myself for feeling that way.”
Ms. Reece didn’t flinch. “Say it again,” she said.
“I hate her,” I said louder. “For staying. For pretending like it was okay. For never protecting me. I hate him for sucking the air out of her, leaving me nothing. I hate he’s still here but she isn’t. I hate there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate I have to be here without her.”
She stepped aside and gestured to the floor cushions. “Sit down. Let those feelings move through.”
I sank into the cushion, legs folded, hands curled into fists.
She sat across from me and met my eyes. “I’m going to ask a few more questions. You don’t have to answer out loud. Just feel what comes up.”
I nodded, throat tight.
“Where does your anger live in your body today?”
“Here,” I rasped, pressing a hand to my sternum. “It’s sharp. Like something wants to tear out.”
“What would it say if it had a voice?”
I closed my eyes. Heat rose in my ears, behind my eyes, in my gut.Why didn’t you choose me? Why wasn’t I enough to make you leave? Why do I still need you to say I was worth saving?My breath caught on a sob, but I forced it back. Ms. Reece didn’t interrupt the silence. She just waited, patient and present. Then, a blood curdling scream escaped me. I grabbed the pillow in my lap, letting out another, and another. The tears flowed, thick andheavy. Sobs heaved from my chest, my throat felt raw. When I opened my eyes, she was still watching me. Calm. Unafraid.
