Page 99 of Lily In The Valley
“Then don’t.”
She reached for the notebook again. “One more thing.”
I looked up, eyes swollen. “What?”
“If you had the chance, if she were here right now, what would you say to your mother?”
I hesitated. “I don’t know.”
“You do know. Write.”
I took the pen. Sat back on the cushion. Hands trembling. And I wrote.
Dear Mama,
You weren’t supposed to leave me like this. You were supposed to do better. To tell me why it was okay to love a man who treated you like glass he was bored of breaking. You were supposed to tell me why you stayed. Why you made me stay. Why you made silence a virtue and obedience a survival skill. I loved you. I still do. But I needed more. And now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do with all this fury. All this grief. All this need to be held by the one person who taught me never to reach out. I needed you to be brave. Now I’m the one trying to be. I hope wherever you are, you finallyunderstand what you left behind. And I hope I forgive you someday. But not today. Today I’m still angry. And I think that’s okay.
Love,
Kelly
I dropped the notebook in my lap and sobbed again, softer this time. Ms. Reece reached over, placed her hand gently on mine. “That’s enough for today.” I nodded. For once, I believed her.
Chapter 30
Khalil
Black people hostedbaby showers like family reunions. It didn’t matter that Vivian had rented some luxury event space with chandeliers for lights and upholstered chairs parked at tables with cream cloths covering them. Vanessa and Xavier made it a point to add all gifts would be donated to women’s shelters to the custom invitations. Casual dress. A signal that this wasn’t going to be some awkward, all-women, cupcake and pass the gift affair.
Between Vivian’s event planner’s vision and Ma Josie’s insistence on having real food, it had become a bright, gold-accented, open-bar kind of event with catered food and a vibe that made you want to put on a two-piece linen suit or sundress. Pink and blue balloons twisted into arches flanking the entrance. A DJ was set up in the far corner by the dance floor. He mixed tracks while guests filled their plates while holding their cell phones in the other hand.
This was not a baby shower.
It was a function. And Kelly and I were the hosts.
Vivian floated around the room, wearing a pearl-colored jumpsuit and gold bangles that clinked every time she waved afinger. Her heels clicked against the light hardwood, a glass of sangria in one hand. Douglass trailed behind her as they greeted everyone.
Kelly breezed past me, winking. Olive green knit hugged every curve like it was custom made for her. The sleeves skimmed her wrists, boots kissed her knees, and those damn legs went on forever. Her hair was swept into a bun, two soft curls at her temples, gold hoops catching the light. Fresh manicure. She balanced an armful of gifts like a pro. My eyes dragged up slow, stopping at the smirk she wore like a dare. God help me, she was a problem I needed to have.
“You good?” she asked, sitting the gifts on the table behind me.
“Yeah. You good? You over here being Wonder Woman and shit,” I teased.
She gave me one of those looks, one that saiddon’t push it, but her eyes still sparkled like she didn’t mind the back and forth.
“When’s your girlfriend coming?”
“Ha ha. You got jokes I see..”
“And yet, she met Pops,” she said, squinting her eyes. “I’m grabbing me a plate before our hosting duties begin. I suggest you do the same.” She walked away, switching her hips, her ass bouncing under the looseness of her dress. I followed.
At the buffet line, trays of wings, meatballs in a thick barbecue glaze, Rotel dip in ceramic ramekins, two types of mac and cheese, deviled eggs with smoked paprika and chopped bacon lined the tables. Toward the end, a full dessert bars with blue and pink candy-coated goods were displayed for the guests. I held two plates while Kelly piled on the food. We sat at the table with Nyah, Lynn, Wesley, and Maverick.
The DJ yelled into the mic, “IF YOU BROUGHT A GIFT, PUT IT ON THE TABLE! DON’T FORGET TO GET YOUR RAFFLE TICKET!”
“Tell me again why people are bringing gifts?” Maverick asked across the table. “Last time Zay had us putting some contraption together, it was baby stuff all over the house.”
“Because it’s not for her,” Nyah corrected. “She’s donating everything to women’s shelters. I get to pick first to bring to a girl at my school who’s not too far along behind Nessa.”
