Page 11 of Sparks of Insanity
“Em, we need to talk.”
Uh oh. Wasn’t that what men said in movies and stuff, when they were about to break up with a woman? Not that we were a couple, but I could almost imagine we were after how much time we’d spent together, how we’d laughed together, and talked about all kinds of things.
“Em, please look at me, and focus on what I’m saying, because it’s important.”
I forced myself out of my thoughts, and wishes, and dreams, and met his dark eyes. There was something so soulful and beautiful about his eyes. Had I never really noticed before how they seemed to be the warmest brown I’d ever seen?
“We need to talk about what happened yesterday, because that can’t happen again.”
What? I held up a hand, stopping him as he opened his mouth again to speak.
“What? Why?”
He blinked at me for a moment, showing off those warm browns again, while I basked in the pleasure of having them focused on me. I wondered how they’d travel over my body if I stripped naked for him, but then I realised that I could never show him my body, because then he’d see every jagged line of my self-hatred, wouldn’t he?
“Em, you’re my student. I’m your teacher, for god’s sake. I’m nearly twice your age.”
“I’m legal,” I pointed out, wondering why I wasn’t picking him up on the fact that the student/teacher thing didn’t matter, and neither did age. As it turned out, the most important point was that I was over the age of consent for England, and that meant it wouldn’t be a crime if he touched me, or kissed me, or if we made love.
“Legal doesn’t mean right, Em. It would be an enormous abuse of my position for me to even entertain such thoughts, and it wouldn’t be in your best interests-”
“Thoughts? What kinda thoughts, because I’ve been having them too. In my thoughts, you touch me, and you undress-”
“Dammit, Em, will you stop,” he hissed, as he glanced at the closed door in a panic. What was he so afraid of? My family? My parents? They were the most laid back, open minded people on the planet. There was no way they’d object to us being together, was there?
“Didn’t you like it, Ethan?”
He squeezed those gorgeous eyes closed, depriving me of their warmth for a long painful moment. When he opened them again, his face hardened a little, and I knew I was losing him.
“My name is Mr Erickson. I can’t allow you to blur the lines between us by using my first name. That was for-”
“For the bedroom? For when you’re on my bed with me in your arms? I can respect that, Mr E.”
He stood up, pacing warily, checking the door every time he turned his back on it.
“This could… this… it would be very bad, Em. You have to understand that. I’m your teacher, and I’m here to help you catch up enough to retake your exams. That’s all. I give you some leeway to express yourself, because of what you’ve been through, but-”
“What I’ve been through? Did they ever give you details, Mr E? Did you get the full picture? You know about the suicide attempts, but do you know why? Do you know why I wanted to be dead rather than continuing to exist? Did you know about the assaults? Did you know the things he forced me to do?”
Mr E gasped, holding up both hands to try and ward off the truth, like somehow he could stop me breathing the words, andtherefore he could live blissfully unaware of the horrors of my life.
“Groping me, simulating sexual acts on me in front of the others, forcing his hands in my underwear… forcing me to… to… oh god… he put it in my mouth, Ethan. He forced me to… to suck… to-”
“Dear god, please stop! I can’t, I don’t, you don’t want to tell me these things, Em, you really don’t,” Mr E hissed, suddenly right in front of me, and that was where I needed him to be, because he’d catch me, right? He’d catch me when I fell.
Suddenly I was wrapped in his arms, tight against his chest again, his cologne filling my senses, as his warmth seeped into me, and pushed the bad thoughts and memories away. He was the only one who could offer me this. The only one I’d trust to touch me at all. He was my safe place, so this could never end. He could never stop being my teacher, or my confidant, or my friend, or anything else, because I couldn’t live without him, could I?
“I’m so sorry those things happened to you, Em. You didn’t deserve to be mistreated like that. Real men don’t do those things, okay? Real men don’t force women to do things they didn’t consent to, and you shouldn’t have been forced into them by whoever it was. Fucking hell, I want to punch the fucker who did it. I want… it’s not my place, but I really want to punish him.”
Warmth seemed to fill my chest, chasing away the cold tingles of worthlessness that always looped around my heart, making it hard to breathe, whenever I let those memories back in. He was fixing me, saving me. He’d protect me, and maybe eventually he’d love me too.
Ethan
ANYONE WALKING IN RIGHT now would jump to the wrong conclusion, and they should. Maybe it wouldn’t even be the wrong conclusion, because why the fuck was I touching her again? Why the fuck did I tell her not to blur the lines, and then wrap my arms around her? Was it just to comfort her, or was it because I just fucking wanted her in my arms?
Her dads would murder me if they caught us, and honestly, I was pretty sure I deserved that, because whether she was of legal age or not, she was definitely vulnerable, and only a bastard would take advantage of that.
I took a deep breath, and released her, stepping back when I was sure she would maintain her own balance.
