Page 17 of Sparks of Insanity
Me:Hey, everything okay? I tried to reach you earlier.
There was no response, and again that was strange, because surely to fuck she’d respond, even if it was just to tell me to go fuck myself, right? I’d ignored that note of hers, and maybe she was pissed about it, but I didn’t like the sudden radio silence from her. I gave it about twenty minutes, and grabbed my phone , just about to message again.
Suzy:Sorry, really busy day. I’m just about to switch off, night.
Her tone of voice in her message was off, because normally they were flirty and quite honestly made me feel a bit uncomfortable, but this? This wasn’t the norm at all.
Me:Are you okay though? You don’t sound like yourself. If you need anything, you know I’ll help.
Another long pause, so I was already stripped down and getting into bed, when my phone dinged.
Suzy:Everything’s fine, thank you. I just need to focus on me right now. I need some time to myself.
So she’d gone from throwing herself at me, and sending me love letters, to ‘give me time’ and dodging me? What the fuck? See, this is why I don’t get women. One day they’re feeling all this strong shit about a man, and the next, it’s like they just switch that shit off. Fine. I was done trying to talk to her if she wasn’t feeling talkative, because I had plenty to worry about all on my own, didn’t I?
I couldn’t sleep though, because thoughts and fears about Ember were mingling with sudden concerning thoughts about my neighbour, who’d been a good friend for a year or more. What if she was ill, or something was going on that was hurting her? As a good friend, shouldn’t I push her a little more to see if she needed help and felt she couldn’t ask, or didn’t want to burden me?
I decided I’d pop over and see her tomorrow, after I’d been at the Cross house. If she needed help, whether she still felt anything for me or not, she had to know I’d be there for her.
11
Ember
Nothing in my wardrobeseemed to be good enough all of a sudden. I’d replaced most of my wardrobe with black and dark colours, in an attempt to hide behind them, but now I wondered if I was hiding what I should be showing him instead. Him. Mr E. The teacher I wanted, but knew I shouldn’t.
I knew he was trying to keep things professional, but I could see he felt it too. He did, right? Okay, so our one kiss had been barely a brush of lips, and he hadn’t returned it, but he’d hugged me twice now. He had to want me too, he just had to.
“Morning baby, you okay?” Mum poked her head around my door, and I nodded as she stepped fully into my room with a mug of tea for me.
“Just not sure what to wear today, that’s all.”
Mum gestured at the wardrobe.
“Nothing feels right for today?” How did she know that? Did she know what was going through my mind? Did she realisethat I wanted to dress right for the man I wanted to coerce into feeling something for me? Yuck, that sounded bad even in my head, but I wasn’t sure it’d stop me.
“Everything is so dark, that’s all. I guess I didn’t think about what would happen if I felt like wearing another colour.”
Mum smiled suddenly, reaching out to take the grey sweater from my hands.
“What if you had other options, baby? Brighter colours? Or at least some white to go with the black?”
I rolled my eyes at her, taking the sweater back and wondering if it’d look better if I went easier on the makeup today. Suddenly it was like I wanted him to see the person beneath the makeup, even though it was my armour, my protection.
“Wait a minute,” mum said, as she left the room. When she returned, she was holding a bundle of clothes, reds, blues, some yellow. She laid them on my bed, and backed up with a sheepish smile.
“These are yours?” I asked, lifting the first blue top from the pile. It didn’t look like something my mum would wear.
“No. Look, I know you prefer your darker clothes, but sometimes I see something that would look so beautiful on my sweet girl, and I buy it. Of course, then I feel like an idiot for buying things you’d never want to wear, but I can’t help myself. These are just things I thought would look pretty on you. I’ve been secretly stashing them for a while. Even your dads don’t know about them.”
Wow. Who knew my mum was secretly wishing she could ungoth me? Actually, I’d always thought that was what she’d want, but to be stockpiling clothes for me because of ‘what if’, was pretty cool. Weird, but cool.
“I… what if they don’t suit the me I am now?” I lifted the long sleeved blue shirt up in front of me, noticing that the blue of my eyes seemed brighter than normal right now.
“Em, my sweet baby girl, you’ll always look beautiful in anything you wear, but if you don’t like them, I can take any of them away, and you don’t have to even think about them. I’m not trying to pressure you into being anything you’re not. It’s… they’re just options, okay? Maybe if you want to pair one thing with the rest of your normal stuff, you might like that?”
“I really like this shirt,” I said, staring at it in wonder, finding it hard to believe that I was contemplating wearing an almost pastel blue shirt, even with black accompaniments. It made me feel a little off balance, but that deep yearning to look different, even for one day, was winning out.
“It really makes your blue eyes pop, sweetie. Do you see how it lifts the colour of them?” Mum was standing just behind me, so I could see her in the mirror too. Her blonde hair was lighter than mine had been, but her eyes were almost identical to mine, although hers were brimming with tears.
