Page 55 of Sparks of Insanity
“She toldhim. She would never tell us, not even Wilms, but she fucking told him?” He wasn’t talking to me, so I stayed the hell out of it.
Dory nodded slowly, one hand landing on Gray’s shoulder and squeezing.
“Okay. Clearly she’s more attached to you than we even realised. Ethan, she’s never told us any of it. You hear that? Not a damn word. We only know some of it, based on what Blaze witnessed, and what came to light when we confronted people about the little we knew. Jesus, we knew she was assaultedby them, but… if she’s trusting you with details, then you’re probably the only one who can help her. Where is she now?”
Shit, I should have checked on her. She had a history of attempting to end her life, and I’d let her leave the room. I stood up, starting to walk to the hallway.
“She went back to her room, I think, but now I’m worried she shouldn’t be alone.”
“She definitely shouldn’t fucking be alone, you dipshit! Find her now, and keep us on the phone. I need to know she’s okay,” Gray yelled at me. I should have fucking followed her, instead of sitting there freaking out about how I couldn’t help her. Following her was how I could fucking help!
I could hear the shower running, and threw the door open, my eyes darting around the room. For a split second, I couldn’t see her, and my heart nearly beat right out of my chest, as panic surged. Jesus, please be okay. Please be fucking okay.
“Where is she, asshole?” I walked into the steamy room, and realised I could see a small shape in the shower cubicle, practically curled into a ball on the floor. She was distraught, but alive, and not injured that I could see.
“She’s here. She’s not hurt, but I need to go.”
“Call us back later. If you don’t, we’re coming there.” I ended the call and tossed the phone on the floor.
“Em,” I reached up and turned off the water, grabbing the largest towel I could find and leaning into the cubicle, wrapping it around her as I practically dragged her up from the floor. She didn’t fight me, but she wasn’t helping me either, and I nearly faceplanted in the damn shower cubicle, as I struggled to manhandle her out of there, and got the towel fully around her. Her skin was blazing hot to the touch, so pink that I realised she’d had the water way too fucking hot.
“What did you do to yourself, huh? My poor sweet girl,” I lifted her into my arms and carried her out of the bathroom, intoher room, and climbed onto the bed, keeping her cradled in my arms. Her sobs seemed to have stopped, but she was still rigid in my hold.
“Please talk to me. Em, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through the things you went through, and I’m sorry I didn’t offer the right kind of support at the time. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I want to help. How can I help you? What do you need from me?”
“J-just hold me,” she murmured, pressing her face against my chest as the sobs started again. You know what? That, I can do.
31
Ember
There was a certainkind of safety, a certain comfort, and peace, that came from being wrapped in the arms of the one person you could trust. The one who would never hurt you or try to break you. Ethan’s arms were that for me.
Ethan was my protector, and even though he’d fallen back into that role while trying to avoid being more to me, he had to be both. He had to be my protectorandmy lover. He had to be the man who owned me inside and out. It wasn’t just about not being able to trust anyone else to be with me like that, it was about knowing that it was only his touch I’d ever be able to tolerate.
Why couldn’t he see that? That it would be a good thing instead of bad? Why couldn’t he see that he had to be the one we overwrote their touch with?
“I won’t do that to you again,” Ethan whispered, pressing his lips against my temple. Do what? I had no idea what he wasreferring to, because I’d been lost in memories, and phantom touches, and horrors.
“What?”
“Whatever triggered you, whatever caused that fucking flashback. Was it me calling you by your name, or is it something else? Em, you need to tell me what to avoid, so I can keep you safe.”
Keep me safe. What about make me feel better?
“I don’t know. A lot’s happened in the last few days; it could be anything.”
He groaned, tightening his arms around me.
“It’s what I did to you, isn’t it? No wonder you’re having flashbacks, because yet another man forced himself on you. Took away your ability to refuse. I swear, trapping you here with me is going to do you more harm than good.”
I struggled out of his hold, which admittedly wasn’t difficult, because he didn’t fight me at all. He looked bemused when I fixed him with a fierce glare.
“Get over yourself, Ethan! Not everything is about you, and you’re no threat to me, or to my mental state. Jesus. I was fucked up before we met, and I’ll always be fucked up. Who knows if I’d have ever been normal anyway, I mean, you’ve met my family, right?”
He snorted, and instantly held up his hands, apologising for his reaction, like it was the wrong thing to do.
“You know what? That right then was the most honest you’ve been with me so far. You can’t keep holding back, and tempering what you say, so you don’t trigger me. I’m broken, but I’m not going to break further if you mess up. You’re the first person I’ve ever allowed to hold me like that. The first person I chose to do more with. You need to stop tiptoeing around me, like you think I’ll shatter, and start behaving like yourself. You were fixing me,Ethan. You. Not the teacher, not the strict rules and boundaries.You.”
