Page 84 of Sparks of Insanity
IT WAS WHAT SHE needed to hear, but was I capable of it? Saying it would be easy for most men, especially if it meant getting laid, but just saying it wouldn’t be enough. It shouldn’t be said if it’s not backed up by real feeling, by real desperate fucking love. Do I love her?
“Do you really need to hear it, Ember? Is it a deal breaker if I don’t say it?”
She sat up, tugging her top back down, and hugging herself. She really was the sweetest little thing, so petite compared to me. How could so much crazy be locked inside a person so small?
“You either feel it or you don’t, Ethan. I don’t know if it’s a deal breaker, but I’m sure as hell not marrying or having a baby with a man who doesn’t love me. We can still be together and have sex, but I grew up in a family filled with so much love that I don’t think I should have to settle for anything less.” Fuck. And here I was, so sure I’d figured it all out. If I say it now, it’s like I’m just saying it just to get what I want.
“What if you’re already pregnant? I won’t let you get rid of our child, Em.” She reached up, cupping the side of my face.
“I’d never do that, Ethan, but I need to know this is something lasting, and without love, how can it be? How can I sleep beside a man who can’t love me? How can I live with you if you never feel that way for me? I’m not trying to manipulate you-”
“Of course you are, little saboteur, because that’s what you were raised to do. I feel so many things for you, and I want you, I need you, I have to be with you. I can’t let you be away from me. I can’t sleep without you beside me. I can’t imagine having a baby with anyone but you. Tell me that isn’t love. Tell me that isn’t exactly what you need from me. You’re it for me. The only one, the only woman, mine forever. Isn’t that love?”
She swallowed hard, staring at me with wide eyes, the man she’d wanted since the first day she was introduced to me, forbidden as I was back then. Maybe it wasn’t about that anymore though. Maybe it was about me being here with her, and wanting her. Wanting a life with her, a future. Was it enough?
“Oh fuck it,” she said, grabbing the back of my head and pulling me close for a kiss. The kiss went from hard and aggressive, to sweet and loving. Isn’t this love?
“It’s enough, right? I’m enough?” I asked as I stripped her off, and lavished her breasts and nipples with attention, kissing, licking, biting them. Is it? Isn’t it?
I buried my face between her legs, licking her into screaming oblivion.
“Isn’t this enough? Isn’t this what you want?”
I thrust deep inside her, pinning her down on the bed as I filled her brutally over and over with my cock, my face so close to hers that she could only just focus on me, the intensity in her eyes practically burning me from the inside out.
“Isn’t this everything, Em?” I asked as I came inside her again, reaching down to rub at her clit until she joined me, falling over the brink of sheer bliss, as her pussy pulled my cum deep inside her.
“Isn’t this as good as love? Better, even?”
Ember pulled me tight against her, my weight probably crushing her, but was she about to say yes, or break what little of my heart remained? If my heart was at risk, wasn’t it love after all?
“Maybe I can love enough for both of us,” she whispered, settling on top of me as I rolled over, keeping us intimately connected as she drifted off to sleep. We’re crazy enough that it just might work.
Epilogue
Ember
We stayed in thehouse we’d acquired for two weeks, but as soon as Ethan’s debts were cleared, he wanted to move on.
As luck would have it, I found a job as a tattooist, which turned out to be the perfect job for me, because I got to create art all day, and I didn’t care if I drew blood, because I’m a Cross and we’re fucked up. Actually, technically, now I’m an Erickson, but that’s beside the point.
I refused to marry Ethan until he literally asked me, instead of just planning it with my family, and instead of buying rings, we tattooed rings for each other. Mine was a little less than perfect, but that seemed like it fit us really well. Ethan still hadn’t said the 'love' word to me, but I didn’t feel like I was missing out, because he showed it in so many ways.
He’d found a job in the end, teaching adults via online classes, mostly literacy lessons for those with learning comprehensiondifficulties, and he loved it. Of course, being Ethan, and the obsessive bastard he was, he worked from the small tattoo parlour I worked at, sitting in a back room with the door open, so he could see me working all day. I’d say it was annoying or creepy, but actually I loved it, because it felt right for us.
Today, though, we were moving into a new place, one of our very own, without unbreakable windows, and booby-trapped doors, and absolutely no rooms anyone tried to end their life in. It was a new beginning.
Of course, moving wasn’t just a two person job, because Ethan had some stuff in storage that he’d only just managed to keep paying for while out of work, and I had a limited amount of stuff of my own. The result though was my three parents being here to help us move. Dad Gray was struggling a little with the heavier stuff with his injured arm, but between Ethan, dad Dory, and mum and me, we had it handled. The difficult part would be getting them to go away after, so we could relax.
Every time I started trying to lift anything, Ethan took over, declaring me ‘maybe pregnant’ and insisting I didn’t risk the baby I might be carrying, and every time he said it, my mum looked at me so proudly, like me having babies before I’m twenty is some milestone she approves of.
“Mum, they can manage the rest, can we talk?” We started making more tea for everyone, while Ethan and my dads went to collect the last few boxes, and she waited patiently for me to tell her what was on my mind. While the kettle boiled, I tried to figure out how to say it anyway, because I didn’t want to offend her, or make her think she wasn’t being a good mother to me.
“Talk, baby. I’m sure whatever it is, we can figure it out between us.”
I sighed, turning to face her, her soft smile and caring eyes, with their laughter lines more prominent than they’d been whenI was younger. Even older, she was still the same. My mother. I could tell her anything, right?
“Is this really what you want for me?”
