Page 31 of Sparks of Insanity
His words were so wrong coming from him, because he’d always been so calm, kind, and thoughtful, and now he was talking like some dirty, sex-obsessed man, and I say the word ‘man’ in a bad way. The way that I would if I thought about my abusers, even though they were boys, not men.
“Ember?” His voice was practically a growl, and his eyes were glaring into mine, like he was baiting me, waiting for me to panic, or scream, or tell him to let go of me, but the words wouldn’t come out. No words would.
“Answer me, dammit. Want me to take you upstairs and plunder you, like you’re my little whore?”
My heart literally couldn’t beat any faster, but it wasn’t just my heart reacting to his words. I was breathing fast, feeling a little lightheaded, and I knew I was becoming wet for him. I’d never experienced sex, or touches that weren’t against my will, but my body knew it wanted his touch, his body, maybe even his cock.
“I…” I swallowed hard, trying to get my thoughts under control, but I was in way over my head here, wasn’t I? Yes, I was attracted to this man, but I was the most inexperienced person ever, locked up somewhere with a grown man. If he wanted to take anything from me, I couldn’t manage to stop him. Should I be afraid of Ethan? My Mr E? Would he hurt me, and if he did, would it be because he couldn’t help himself, or because he thought I deserved it?
“Em,” he whispered, loosening his grip on my hair, and cupping my cheek instead. “Look at me.”
That much I could manage, even though the thought of meeting his knowing eyes was almost intolerable. He’d know. He already said he suspected, and wasn’t it shameful, even after what I’d been through? Hell, maybe most people would have assumed I’d lost my virginity to those assholes.
“Good girl, that’s better. I’m being an asshole right now, and I know that. I kinda find it happens a lot lately, but that’s justthe new me, I’m afraid.” I bit my lip as tears threatened to fall. This wasn’t the strong person I’d been trying to be. This was the weak version they’d created. The one who cried easily, until she realised that tears didn’t fix anything.
“I’m… Ethan, I’m scared,” I murmured, barely making a sound. Ethan sighed, stroking my cheek with his thumb.
“I don’t want to scare you, but I don’t think I’m an entirely good man, and I think this devolution of my soul is irreversible. I’ll try not to hurt you, but I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I’m capable of now. I’m just… this isn’t who I was meant to be, you know?”
I cupped his hand, holding it against my cheek, feeling a little of the panic inside me easing at his words. He was fighting with so much right now, and I was the reason for all of it, so it was up to me to try and help him.
“Would it help you?” I asked softly, even as I started to tremble anew. If he said yes, would I be brave enough to let him do those things to me?
“What? Em, would what help me?”
“To… to hold me down and do those things you said. Would it help you to have me in… in a sexual way?”
Ethan’s eyes widened, and he suddenly shoved me from his lap, striding out of the room, while I wrapped the blanket around me and stood forlornly in the living room. It took me a minute or so to be brave enough to follow him.
Ethan
I HAD TO LEAVE, because I fucking wanted her so badly that I almost said yes to that question. I almost fucking dragged her here with me, so I could strip her naked and plunder that sweet innocent body of hers. I never used to be this guy, this depravedfucker who was fantasising about a too-young girl who’d only ever been abused by the male species.
What had gone so wrong with me that I was seeing her as a sexual being, and that line between student and teacher had been blurred long before everything went to shit. We both knew that, and what was the point of trying to hide it? I’d wanted her for a while, and once she suddenly seemed receptive, it just got worse, harder, more intense.
“Ethan?”
I spun on the spot, my hands instantly covering my groin, my fucking erection that was caused by thinking about her naked, and spread out beneath me. She shouldn’t be subjected to this broken part of me, this sickness that seemed to be taking me over. Losing everything seemed to have fractured the man I was, or maybe I was always this twisted on the inside.
“You’re okay?”
She stepped closer and I caught a waft of that sweet perfume she wore. It was like fruity sweets or something, and it just reminded me of how young she truly was, perhaps mentally younger than her years, although her bad experiences could have aged her beyond them.
“Ethan?”
“Jesus, back off, Em!” I staggered back as she touched my chest, because her touch right now would snap that thread between me holding back on these urges, and me throwing caution to the wind, as I pushed her for something she shouldn’t have to give.
She followed me, and I staggered back another step before I fell back on my ass on the bed in the room I’d stormed into. The master bedroom, of course, because I couldn’t have walked into a fucking room that wouldn’t facilitate fucking, could I?
That wounded look on her face, even as she advanced on me, just appealed to me even more. Not because me causing her painwas something to be proud of, but because it called out to me to offer comfort. I wanted to comfort and protect her, and fuck her into the middle of next week.
I was in so far over my head that I didn’t know what to do next.
“Ethan, what’s going on?”
“You need to leave, Em. I shouldn’t have brought you here. I mean, fuck, I shouldn’t even be here. You still have your phone…” It was a sudden shocking revelation. She still had her fucking phone. I’d left mine behind, because I thought this was going to be some disappearance from civilisation or something stupid, but hers was in her pocket, which meant she could still be tracked. They’d find us anyway, but maybe I could fix this before it went too far.
“Call your brother, and get him to come find you. He can track your phone, right?”
