Page 5 of Sparks of Insanity
“Ash, go and wait outside a minute.”
“What? I get kicked out for pointing out that she did most of the fucking boys at our old school? I was barely in that school for five minutes andIheard it. Hell, I saw what they wrote onthe toilet walls too. There was a blowjob count, for fuck’s sake! A tally with little lines for every time she blew one of-”
“I DIDN’T DO THAT!” I screamed at him, knocking my chair over as I leapt out of it. My god. They really did think I was a slut. The whore who did everyone! I was still a virgin, for god’s sake! I mean, only just, but still, it counted because I’d never willingly let him do those things to me. I never wanted that.
“Ember,” mum reached for me, but when I looked at her, I didn’t see the normal guilt or worry. I saw shame. She was ashamed. They all were. How had I missed the fact that they were all so ashamed of me, and what I’d become?
4
Ember
Iwas silent inthe car on the way home, but once we were there, I ran to my room and locked myself in there, because I didn’t want the awkward chat that would come after such an explosive therapy session. Who would, right?
“Ember?”
“Please, just leave me alone for a while. I… I’m sorry I said all that stuff, but I need to be alone,” I gasped out, as the tears started. Tears. I thought I was done crying, but here the tears were again.
I felt so alone, so lost, so worthless. The last few times this had happened, I’d ended up doing something really stupid, and I’d nearly died. Was I ready to try that again? Did I think I could get it right this time?
The sensible thing would be to let my mum in, and tell her how I was feeling, right? The smart thing would be to tell someone, anyone, instead of reaching for the nearest sharp object, FYIthere wasn’t one in my room for this very reason, or the nearest box of pills, again damn near impossible these days. There were still ways though, right?
I reached into my pocket and dug out the only thing I had to hand, my phone. I stared at it for long moments, angrily scrubbing the tears away as I tried to find someone to call.
In the end, I found Blaze’s number, and as I went to hit the dial button, I fumbled the phone, dropping it on the carpet. I could dimly hear a ringing sound, and then him answering the phone, as I lunged over the bed to grab it and lift it to my ear.
“Oh thank god. Thank god. Please talk to me, because I’m… I think I need to… I don’t want to be alive anymore,” I blurted out, knowing it’d scare the hell out of Blaze, but also knowing he might be the only one who’d understand why I’d called him. He was the only one I’d ever even told a little about the things that I’d been through.
“Em? Is that you?”
That wasn’t Blaze’s voice.Who the hell did I just call? I lifted the phone away from my ear and focused on the screen, finally seeing who I’d dialled. Oh god no.
“Em? Em, please talk to me. I’m here, and I won’t judge whatever’s going on, but please don’t go silent on me. Are… are you uh…” I lifted the phone back to my ear and took a breath.
“Mr E, god I’m so… so sorry. I was trying to call my brother.”
He fell silent for the briefest moment, and my breath hitched in my throat, a small hiccup from all the crying. The tears returned as the shock dissipated, and my devastation returned, creeping up on me like a black cloud of self-hatred.
“Would you rather talk to him? I don’t like hearing you this upset, Em. What happened? Can you tell me that? I could… I could come over?”
Oh god. He was my tutor, not my friend, not my confidant, and yet suddenly, god yes, all I wanted was that safe, calming presence of his.
“Yes,” I choked out, and he told me to stay on the line, as he grabbed his keys and went out to his car. In the car, he kept me on the line on speaker, and he just kept quiet, except now and then, he’d say my name again, just to get me to say something, so he’d know I was still there. Still breathing.
By the time he ended the call, he was banging on the door downstairs, and I heard one of my dads answer the door. They chatted briefly, and then there were heavy footsteps on the stairs, and finally a hesitant knock on my door. Was it him, or did they make him stay downstairs?
“Em? Uh… I’m uh here.” It was him. I ran over and unlocked the door, dragging it open, and then we stared at each other for a long moment, while I guess we both realised the same things. It was weird of me to call him; my tutor. It was weird for him to be here like this. He was outside my bedroom, and he’d never been near my room before.
“Uh… do you want to talk down in the study?” He looked at me awkwardly, and I saw the concern on his face, watching warily as his hand lifted in my direction, then lowered again. He knew not to touch me, not that he’d try. He was my tutor and wouldn’t cross that line, but suddenly I wanted him to.
“No. You can… uh… come in here though.”
He stared towards the stairs behind him and hesitated a moment.
“I mean, your dad said it was okay to come up, but I didn’t think you’d uh…”
“Please. I don’t want to be near any of them right now. They’re why I lost it.”
He glanced behind him again and then nodded once, stepping inside my room, watching me warily as I closed and locked the door.
