Page 72 of Ryder
“You are. As long as you stay here.”
I felt like some pig-headed neanderthal man, but the fact was that I couldn’t bear the thought of her being anywhere except with me.
“And why do you want me to stay here, Ryder? Hmm? Are you planning to get your revenge when I least expect it? Planning your retribution against the bitch who raped you? Are you planning to imprison me like he did? I told you it’s what I deserve, and you’re just proving that you agree with me.”
Jesus Christ. I ran a hand through my hair.
“You’re driving me insane, woman. For some reason I want to fucking look after you. I want to help you through this shit, and make you strong again. I don’t understand it, but I can’t fight it. Okay? So you just have to stay, and let me help, andI think you owe me that, don’t you?”
Twenty-Four
His words were likeknives. He definitely couldn’t forgive me for what I’d done to him, and that was the right response. He shouldn’t. Nobody should, because I was a monster, just like Dom. I’d forced myself on so many men in an attempt to reclaim my power, or some crazy messed up shit I’d convinced myself of.
And now he was talking like he wanted to help me recover from this? There was no recovering this time. In fact, the longer I thought about it, the more I realised that only one thing would help me after what I’d been through.
It hadn’t worked last time, but this time it would, because they wouldn’t be expecting it. This wasn’t some institution, where someone was watching for the danger signs. I hated doing this to him, after everything I’d already put him through, but it was my only solution to the problem. My only way out.
“Darlin’, whatever you’re planning, just calm down, okay? I’m not gonna touch you, unless you give me no other option.”
“I won’t give you a reason to. I wouldn’t want to force you into anything else.” I turned to head for the bathroom, hearing him following me.
“I’m not saying I wouldn’t willingly touch you if you wanted me to,” he blurted, and when I turned to look at him, he ran a hand through his hair and looked away.
“You don’t have to protest so hard.”
He cursed, straightening his clothes. No, wait, that’s not what he did. More specifically,he adjusted his trousers, the loose fit lounge pants he wore. Now that I’d dared to look, there was no way to miss what he was trying to conceal from my gaze.
“Hard was the wrong word to use, I guess,” I whispered, backing up another step.
Ryder groaned, holding one hand in front of him.
“Look… I’m not gonna lie here; my body reacts to you, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why, when you’re who you are, and after what happened to you. It’s a bastard thing to do, I know, but see…Jesus… am I really telling you this?” He took a breath.
“After that night… the uh… well, you know what night. Uh… I stopped being able to… uh…perform. I was beginning to think he’d never work again.”
I gasped, my hand covering my mouth. I hadn’t considered the fact that men might have issues like that after a night with me. How could I have done that to anyone? Not only did I put them through a similar hell to mine, but I affected them so deeply in the aftermath. I truly was the monster I’d come to realise I’d always been. At least ever sincehim.
“So uh… yeah… that first time we spoke, it was like you flipped a switch, and suddenly I was hard, so hard. I realised then that if my body wants you, then I’m going to find you, and be with you.”
I’d backed up another step, because that sounded oddly, disconcertingly, like possession. Like exactly what Dom had wanted, and had done to me.
“No,” I whispered, reaching behind me for the bathroom door.
“I’m not saying I’d expect anything from you, Tori, or that I’d try to force anything. For fuck’s sake. I’m trying to explain that you keep talking like there’s no way I’d want you, but you’re wrong.You’re all I fucking want.”
My breath caught in my throat. He was looking at me with desire. No, lust,pure animal lust, and my body wanted to react. I could feel it in the way my heart sped up, and my body tried to respond in kind. He wasn’t lying. He really wanted me.
It wasn’t possible. It shouldn’t be. It was just some weird chemical reaction, maybe some kind of sick trick his mind was playing on him. Telling him that he wanted me, because of what I’d done, like it meant he’d been complicit, and maybe even chose it.
I shook my head again, stepping back into the bathroom.
“Don’t run from me, Tori. I promise, I’m not going to hurt you.I couldn’t.”
He looked so sincere, so genuine, and all I could think was that I’d really fuck him up. If not by what I planned to do, then by being around him, and letting him keep feeding into this delusion of something real existing between us. It was nothing more than a decent guy misreading his body’s signals, because I’d messed him up.
“I need to freshen up. I just… I need space, Ryder. Can you give me that, please?” My words were almost breathless, raspy. He dropped his head for a moment, taking a breath, and I took the moment to escape, slipping into the bathroom and closing the door. A moment later he was tapping on the door.
“Please, Ryder.” I could hear my desperation in my own voice, as he tapped again.
