Page 82 of Ryder
I frowned at him, and he shrugged, looking a little ashamed.
“I uh… practically kicked it off the hinges. They were buckled and useless.”
Oh. I stared at the curtain over the door. When I’d taken the terrifying decision to end things, I hadn’t considered him, not really. Why would I? He was just a person who’d found his way into my life. He wasn’t a loved one, nor was I to him, but why hadn’t I considered just how badly it would affect him, to find me bleeding to death, wanting to die?
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
He took a breath, holding it for a moment, before he let it go.
“Jesus… I feel like I’m your bitch. I mean, I’m on my knees, begging you to never leave me. No wonder you have no respect for me. Is this what I was like in that bar? Is that the real reason why Alicia chose me?”
I frowned, as he seemed to start backing away, but not physically, it was internal; an emotional retreat. I caught his hand as he finally started moving.
“She chose you for one reason, Ryder, just one.”
He stopped moving, and stared back up at me.
“What reason?”
His thumb was stroking my palm, and it was nice. Gentle. Soothing.
“Because you were hot, and looking for a hook up.”
He stared down at our hands for a moment, that thumb never slowing or stopping.
“I never went out looking for a hook up. It’s not… I mean, we have girls here for that. I was just out having fun, but I’ll take the compliment. Look…”
He finally looked at me again. “I think we need to move past how we met. I know it was fucked up, and bizarre… and… illegal, I guess… but it led to now.To us. Am I the only one who feels something?”
I nibbled at my lip. “I mean, what you should feel is hatred, revulsion, disgust, anger… those are the emotions I deserve from you, because it’s how I feel about Dom.”
He sighed, squeezing my hand tighter.
“That’s not answering the question I asked though, is it?”
I didn’t know what to say. I looked away from him for a moment, trying to corral my thoughts into something I could say out loud, that he hadn’t already heard from me time and time again, and I heard him groan softly.
“Don’t worry. I’m not expecting you to say that you feel something big for me right now. Can you just try not to rule it out? I feel like this is where we’re both meant to be now.”
“And what if I don’t?” I asked him, not wanting to look at him, but feeling like I owed him that at least.
He shrugged. “So if we give it some time, and you still feel that way, I won’t stop you leaving.” I doubted that he meant those words, because he’d been pretty clear before, hadn’t he?
“You said you wouldn’t let me leave.”
He groaned, getting up from the floor, that emotional distance growing between us once more.
“I say a lot of things! Look, I don’t want you to fucking go, okay? I want you here with me, all the damn time. I want you on my bike with me, I want to make breakfasts with you, and have drinks downstairs in the clubhouse with my brothers and you. You’re the one thing that makes all of those things seem perfect.”
His words made it seem like maybe those things could actually work, but he’d managed to avoid mentioning one thing.
“And what about sex?”
He cursed, running his hands through his hair. He did that quite often when he talked to me. Was it a stress thing? A frustration thing? Or was it just that he liked how silky his hair was? I remembered it from that night I’d used him. I’d gripped it in my fists as I rode him. I almost wished I could go back to that one night.When everything had been perfect.
“Look, I’m not gonna say no, if you decide you want to fuck, but I also know that’s probably not going to happen any time soon,” he said finally, dragging my attention back from that night. I’m sure my cheeks were more than a little pink.
“What if it never happens? What if I can never, ever feel safe with you like that? I was messed up before we met. Before what happened with Dom for the second time. How do we know what I’ll be able to do?”
