Page 91 of Ryder
I squinted my eyes against the light in the room, hating the way my head was still throbbing. It was practically sagging on my shoulders, the drug still weighing me down a little.
“Yeah… I have no idea what to ask. There’s no precedent for this. Did you feel safe? I guess that’s the important one.”
She nodded. “It was strange. It was like… I felt strong again, brave. I knew that I was safe. In control. Powerful. But…” She cast her eyes down.
“But?” I wished I could remember, or have been aware for it. Still, she had a video for me to watch, andthat was something.
“I missed you.”
Huh? I lifted my head, which felt foggy still, and probably would for a while.
“Missed me how?”
She pressed her fingers against her lips.
“You opened your eyes at one point, and I thought you were with me, but when I kissed you, you weren’t there, and I really wished you were.”
Wow. I wasn’t sure what to do with that. I mean, I was pissed that I’d missed that too.
“I see. I wish I’d been there too. I’d love to see you, and feel you, as you take your power back, and use me like that.” I sound like a little bitch.Jesus.
She pointed to my phone. “You could watch the video.”
I nodded. “I want to, but I want to be more aware when I do. I’m still kinda foggy at the moment.”
I could tell that bothered her.
“I didn’t know what the after-effects were, because I’ve never been around for that part. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it makes you so ill.”
I drank some more of the water, trying to ease the burning in my throat from throwing up. I set the glass aside and leaned back against the pillows.
“Honestly, babe… I’ll take a bit of sickness, if it means you get to feel like you’re you again.”
When she smiled and moved closer, I let her ease my arm back so she could snuggle against my chest, and that’s how I fell asleep again.
Twenty-Nine
Islept better thanI have in weeks, months even, possibly years. I awoke feeling refreshed, safe, and deliciously sore inside, in the best possible way. In the way that meant I’d been with someone and enjoyed it, rather than it being against my will.That pain is so different.
I was still crushed against Ryder’s chest, and he was breathing steadily. Still asleep. I remembered how ill he’d been when he woke from the drug, and I felt another sick pit of guilt in my stomach. He’d apparently been that ill last time, and yet he still willingly let me do it again. Didn’t that tell me everything about him? That he was a decent man, or at least as decent as a man can be, in the lifestyle he’s a part of.
I tried to move without waking him, but he jolted awake the moment I moved, his arm tightening around me.
“Ugh…” He groaned, rubbing at his face, his eyes squeezing shut.
“You okay?” I pushed away to sit up and look at him.
“Yeah… I’m okay.”
“Are you feeling ill again?”
He gave me the old side-eye, and grimaced, closing both eyes again.
“Let me get you some more water.”
I got up from the bed, and reached for his glass.
“Oh… unless you’d rather I didn’t?”
