Page 40 of Ice
Her hands fell away from me as I backed away, rolling onto my back.
“Fuck!”
“Ice-”
“Don’t. Just don’t say a fucking word. I can’t…Fuck… I can’t… I’m sorry. What a fucking…” I lay my arm across my eyes, because they were burning again. Horror and humiliation had brought tears to my fucking eyes. So it wasn’t bad enough that I’d fucking lost it, and shamed myself, but now I wanted to cry about it like a fucking child.
I threw the covers back, and lurched out of the bed, heading for the bathroom. I didn’t switch the light on, but I kicked the door closed, before she could see what a pathetic waste of space I was.
Fuck, who am I kidding? She just fucking witnessed it first-hand. I’m a loser addict, who can’t even hang on long enough to fuck the woman he wants, instead of blowing his load early.
Pathetic, that’s what I am. I slid down onto the floor with my back against the wall, my head in my hands. Yeah. Turned out that I absolutely was going to cry about it. What the fuck was the point of my existence? I had nothing to offer her. Nothing at all. Who’d want a useless, waste of space, piece of shit junkie like me?
Lissa
Iwantedtofollowhim,to try and ease his embarrassment, to try to help. I had a feeling it’d be a bad move right now. I’d advised addicts through their journey to recovery. I’d talked over issues like this with them. I’d neverwitnessed it, or experienced it first-hand. I wasn’t sure what would be the best approach. Should I try to get him to talk about it? Or should I just pretend it didn’t happen?
I kept seeing that look in his eyes… the look of pleasure, followed immediately by horror, and then shame. That desperate need to disappear, to stop being seen in that moment. If I tried to reassure him, would he even hear me right now? Would he even be willing to face me? I wasn’t sure what to do.
For the first time in my career of working with people like him, I had no idea what to do, and maybe that was partly because there were no other people like him. That was the point. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’ kind of therapy. It was about helping him find his way, the solution to his personal situation.
He was in the bathroom for so long, that I finally realised he might be waiting me out. Hoping I’d fall asleep before he returned. I even wondered if he was planning to hide in there all night.
Finally, I turned over, facing away from the door, and curled up on my side, hoping he’d feel it was safe to return, if it looked like I was asleep. I must have fallen asleep like that, because I was woken by the bed being bumped, and a soft curse.
“Ice?”
“Sorry. Stay there. I’m going… uh… I’m just popping out for a bit.”
NO.I knew exactly what that meant.
“God, don’t, please. Ice, don’t do it.”
I sat up fast, grabbing at the clothes he’d already thrown on, my fists wrapping around soft fabric.
“Please, Ice, don’t.”
I couldn’t see well in the darkened room, but he gripped my fingers, carefully peeling them from his clothes.
“Don’t worry, doc. Just sleep. I’ll make sure someone gets you to work in the morning.”
I followed him, as he headed for the door, stumbling around the unfamiliar room, catching my toe on something hard, and crying out as I dropped down to grab my foot. The door slammed, and I felt panic filling me up. I had to stop him. If he went out there, and tried using, he’d ruin all the hard work he’d done so far.
Worse than that, it could kill him.Recovering addicts often made the mistake of going back to drugs like they’d never been away, and their bodies couldn’t handle the same levels they’d been taking. It was how so many overdosed during recovery.
“STOP! Dammit, Ice!” I ran down the hallway, trying to work out who the hell to ask for help. There were several doors along the way, but I didn’t know where to start.
I reached the door to the outside, just as the rumble of a motorbike warned me of his escape.
“NO! ICE! God, no, please don’t do this to me!” I turned to run back inside, to find someone, anyone, to ask for help, and ran straight into a strong bare torso.
“Whoa… what’s going on?” The guy, who caught me before we both fell, was scary looking. His head was shaved, and there was something tattooed on it, which I only caught a glimpse of as he looked around to see what was going on. He had dark eyes. So dark they were almost black. And dark stubble on his face.
“You Ice’s doc?”
I nodded when he turned that deadly gaze on me again.
“What happened?” He stepped back, releasing my arms, and cast his eyes over me. One eyebrow lifted, and I knew what he was thinking. They’d all think the same, and were they wrong?
