Page 66 of Has-Been
Has smiled, lifting his head and briefly meeting my eyes, before he lowered it again.
“It’s fine, babe. I was uh eleven when I first started getting work on ads and stuff. By the time I turned twelve, I was already a household name, but that’s when things got nasty. There weren’t enough rules back then about chaperones with child actors. My parents, yeah, they thought it was fine to leave me there on set, and go about their day. They didn’t know the kinds of stuff that happened there. The first time one of the execs touched me, I thought, you know… surely he didn’t mean to do that, but I understand now that sticking your hand down a kid’s pants is never okay.”
Oh god.Oh god no, it was worse than I thought. I mean, I expected some kind of sexual assault, but as a child? No no no. No wonder he was so traumatised.
“Has-”
“Please, I think I have to let it out, but I don’t want to burden you. If this is too much, I’ll stop. I’ll talk to Lissa instead. I think it’s time I did that, because I’m losing my fucking mind. The nightmares are… they’re fucking appalling, and that flashback today, I was right back there. I was right back where those bastards were forcing themselves on me, and I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t fight. Fuck.”
I climbed closer to try and offer him comfort, while tears streamed down my cheeks, and I wondered if getting closer was even the right thing right now.
When Has-Been lifted his head, his cheeks were wet too, but he hadn’t made a sound.
“Got used to hiding my pain and my fear. Hiding my tears. It all just made them hurt me more. It went on for six months, babe.” His eyes were open now, but tears gathered there, and spilled over as he talked.
“I just offered not to burden you with this, and then I couldn’t stop. I’m sorry, babe. You don’t need this shit in your head too. I just didn’t want anything hidden that could bite us later. That’s my big secret. That and the online stuff you already saw. I know… for someone raped as a kid, you’d think I’d hate sex, but I don’t. Not when I’m the one in control, not when I know I can protect myself, and who I’m with.”
He dragged his forearm across his face, and then when he lowered it, he took my fingers, and raised them to the inner part of his arm, to the raised ridges of scars, so uniform and tidy.
“I tried various things to cope with it. By the time I was your age, I was an addict, but I’ve been clean ever since I joined the club. Reacher and Stitch, they helped me get clean. Ryder and Torch. These guys have always had my back. They’re my family, and the only reason I tried to resist you before was because I didn’t want to betray the only people I cared about.”
I pulled my hand free, but not because of his scars, because his tears were breaking my heart. I reached up and used my thumbs to smooth them away.
“I’m so sorry, Has. You shouldn’t have gone through all of that, but look at you now. Look at the man you’ve become. You’re good, and kind. You’re gentle, and sweet. You’re super smart, and well respected. You’re the kind of man who puts others before himself, or himself in front of them if there’s a threat. You’re the best kind of man, and despite how they tried to break your spirit, they failed, because you’re here, and you’re perfect. You’re mine as well, and I know that sounds pushy, but you’re all I want.”
Has leaned his forehead against mine, reaching up to dry my tears too.
“I love you, babe. You’re my entire reason for existing now. Nothing is more important than you. Not this club, or my brothers. Nobody matters more than you.”
I swallowed hard. “You just want to get in my pants again.”
He blinked, and then barked out a laugh.
“Well, yeah, obviously… Thanks, babe. You’re not looking at me with pity, or shame, and I appreciate that more than you could ever know.”
Forty
Afteranagonisingconversation,and sharing my painful past with my girl, we ate a simple meal and went to bed. I was exhausted, and in more pain than I was willing to admit, so we curled up together under the covers and fell asleep, and that should have been the end of that awful day.
“No crying now, Ethan. Stars don’t cry, do they? They do as they’re told.”
I lurched into a sitting position, my heart thudding painfully in my chest as I scrutinised the dark room, almost like I expected him to be here, and not just a figment of my nightmare.
“Has?”
Elise didn’t touch me, but she sat up too.
“Is… are you okay? Was it a dream?”
As the panic subsided, the pain returned to my back and I groaned, dropping back onto the pillows.
“Jesus, sorry babe. It… it was his voice and it, fuck… just let’s go back to sleep. It’s okay.”
Elise settled down in my arms with her head against my chest, but I couldn’t settle. I couldn’t relax or go back to sleep, because he’d be waiting there for me. He was the worst of them. The one who was first to force me. The one who used that cajoling tone every fucking time.
“Has?”
“Yeah, babe? Sorry I woke you.”
